Please, say THANK YOU (Part 1)

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God....... I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens............

-From Abraham Lincoln's  thanksgiving proclamation  October 3, 1863

As I read through Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation in it's entirety I could feel  his sense of  urgency in the midst of war of re-directing the nations focus back on the importance of being grateful, so much in fact that he created a national holiday  to serve as a constant reminder to American citizens. Regardless of race or gender, he understood that gratitude would serve as an important ingredient in healing the wounds of the nation and reconciling the losses that the nation had suffered .  Of the many books I have read on manners and social graces, the authors seemed to express that  gratitude  was of the utmost importance in dealing with each other.

Today I fear that many of  us have lost sight of the passion to be humbly grateful wherewith Mr. Lincoln signed the holiday into law. The lack of kindness and gratitude that people are supposed to treat each other with is astounding and it makes me wonder has it just become a day to eat more than we should , watch football and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade? Don't misunderstand it is a wonderful gift indeed to enjoy these things, but has being grateful just become an shallow external expression that we express only at this time of year so  that we do not become completely self absorbed?

If as our former president so eloquently expressed it we are truly grateful for the abundance that God has given us despite the challenges many of us are facing in this season then Please, SAY THANK YOU, not just today but every day!

In the mean time, it is my hope that you will enjoy the day with your family and look for my next post in which I will share that  how not being grateful can be hazardous to your health.

For Crying Out Loud

Manners are not the character, but they are the dress of the character.

-From the book "Social Etiquette"  (1896)

The Chaperone: Relics of the Past? Or Does Society Need to Resurrect Them?



Sometimes I wonder if many of the practices we deem as antiquated and out of touch with the 21st century are things that need to be brought back into our everyday life like the chaperone. A chaperone, or chaperon, is an adult who accompanies or supervises young people on social occasions. I am sure this practice was more to protect the young ladies than the young men, due to the fact that a young woman's reputation being compromised could jeopardize her prospects for marriage.

 While the attitudes  toward marriage has changed a great deal in the last 100 years, the need to protect young women and young men from themselves is still very much needed. At the same time I wonder just how effective the chaperone really is as many people are always looking for "holes in the fences" of moral boundaries, so to speak.

A hundred plus years ago, young people found ways to communicate and flirt under the nose of the watchful eye of the protocol police. They used flowers, fans and handkerchiefs to convey certain messages to the opposite sex. (I will share more on this in a later blog post). Young people today are just as savvy.  Though "child experts" recommend parents taking protective measures like having their child's computer in the family room so they can see
 what their child is doing when online, I fear their suggestions will not be very effective. Like their counterparts from 100 years ago, armed with social media outlets coupled with their fluency in"textaneese", the internet  and the cell phone are the venues of communication that have become the digital fan, handkerchief, and flowers wherewith they fly under the radar of their parents and other "nosey" adults.

 Courting Bench



These attempts by children to avoid probing into their inner lives does not  mean that things do not have to be in place to protect our children's innocence as long as possible. So much inappropriate behavior through media and television is assaulting their minds and hearts that it is imperative that are systems in place to lovingly protect them and in the right context that is what a chaperone should represent in social settings. Now days a chaperone seems to be nothing more than a person who makes sure all the kids are accounted for on a field trip. 100 years ago a young man understood that when he asked a girl to dance at a party, after the dance he had to bring her back to her protector, her chpaereone, if he came to visit a young lady at her home, he understood that there would be a chaperone in that room (a parent or trusted relative) to make sure that they were on their best behavior during the visit.

Today I read story after story of young men and women participating in very "adult" behavior with no adult supervision and many times those activities find their way onto YouTube or some other social media site for millions to watch.  Even after the initial footage is eventually removed  a virtual "fingerprint" will be on the web forever, because some morally bankrupt people won't keep that type of information to themselves.  Like a virus, it gets passed around from person to person. Sadly when these children become adults, that type of information can possibly come back to haunt them.


Children, especially teens, see this type of supervision as a imposition on their freedom and sadly many parents today see it an outdated practice as they seem to strive more to be their children's buddies instead of their parents. The practice of the chaperone seems to be in direct contrast to this no-boundary, instant gratification society we are now subjected to. They must understand  that the freedom of choice is not without sometimes lasting consequence, and what they found funny and enjoyable in the name of youthful innocence, is now costing them a huge price. Parents and trusted adults, teachers, religious leaders, etc..., have a responsibility to set up protective boundaries for young adults, despite their protests and for their own good.



So I ask you, does the chaperone still have a needed place in society or is it a role (in it's full context) that needs to remain a thing of the past?


What are your thoughts?



 

Where did this come from? (The truth behind the tradition)



Queen Victoria’s dress was of rich white satin, trimmed with orange flower blossoms.

Why do brides wear white? While Queen Victoria was not the first bride to wear white for her wedding she definitely made it popular. In the years to follow not only did brides copy her, it is the accepted color to represent wedding dresses today. Up until Queen Victoria's wedding a woman usually wore her best dress to get married in. Though white has been traditionally recognized as a symbol of purity, it was not, it was a symbol of WEALTH because only a wealthy woman could "waste" a dress by wearing it once because white was extremely difficult to clean back then (and still is today). The color that  actually represented purity was blue.

On a side note, you want to know what motivated Victoria to wear white on her wedding day? She wanted to incorporate some lace she loved into her dress and one way to do that was to wear white. She was not making a stance for purity or wealth, she just wanted to wear some pretty lace on her wedding day!



For Crying Out Loud

Manners transcend social status, race and gender. Courtesy and consideration help to make the unbearable parts of life a little more bearable...a person who is considerate of others is welcome almost anywhere.

Karen Grigsby Bates and  Karen E. Hudson

Profiles in Manners and Social Graces

Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington

Duke's mother Daisy surrounded him with dignified women to reinforce his manners and teach him the importance of living elegantly. His childhood friends noticed that his mannerisms and dapper dress gave him the persona of a young nobleman and  they began to address him as  Duke!

Parents and Social Graces: What Legacy are we leaving?

A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children
-Hebrew Proverb

Inheritance-the acquisition of a possession, condition, or trait from past generations

-Websters dictionary

In a previous post, I shared a clip from the 1995 movie "Blast from the past" about a man named Adam who lived in an underground bomb shelter with his parents from his birth until  the age of 35. His parents raised him with 1950's values so when he came above ground (after the time-lock was released) he was a polite, respectful man that was looked upon as strange and out of touch in the rude but pro politically correct 1990's. He meets Eve and her friend Troy who help him adjust to life above ground and to help bring his parents above ground as well. In the process Eve expresses annoyance to Troy about Adam's "perfect table manners". Troy shares with Eve that Adam's parents taught him proper social graces and he never received that type of training from his own parents. This portion of the movie was very telling and points to a very serious problem,  it seems that many parents today are not passing down the legacy of good manners and proper conduct to their children. Is it possible the reason is that their parents did not pass it on to them? or that they feel such practices are outdated and antiquated? 


According to Webster's dictionary an inheritance is more than money and possessions, it is also traits and characteristics that are passed down. I pose a question, what are we leaving to future generations besides money and possessions? Are we leaving them with the skills to treat themselves and others well without which the money and possesions have no lasting value?

Parents are extremely important in the shaping of how their children perceive and interact in the world. They are the  ones who not only do the first introductions for their children on this planet, they are the first role models and are responsible for what they allow their children to be influenced by and what they are influenced by will reflect in their behavior. A colleague of mine took her grandsons to her neighborhood park recently and a bully tried to beat up one of her grandsons. When she intervened to break up the tussle, the father of the bully came over and was going to assault her. The only thing that stopped him was several men in the park stood up  and he backed off, took his son by the hand, walked off scolding him that  he should have finished the boy off.  It does not take much to see that the boy was a bully because his father was a bully and he will not do very well in life if his answer is to mistreat others to get his way. 

 I recently assisted Maura Graber, Founder of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette  with a private class for three elementary school children. In speaking with the parents, it was very apparent that  they wanted their children to succeed and do well and these classes were an investment in their future. Maura shared with me that she has received numerous calls and letters over the years from parents and students thanking her for her classes and the impact of having proper manners and social graces had on their lives. One young man who is now an attorney shared that the lessons on dining etiquette came in handy as his law firm participates in many formal dinner events. Another young man recently married, thanked his parents at his wedding reception for sending him to etiquette classes because he was able to impress his future in-laws with his politeness and in assisting them in setting the table. 

Parents also by their own conduct and behavior can also leave a legacy that benefits their children. Pastor Joel Osteen shared how years earlier his parents were courteous and kind to the new chief of the sheriff's department of their town. They invited him to dinner, offered counsel and support and years later when Joel was trying to obtain the Compaq Stadium for his growing congregation, this same man who was no longer the Chief, but the Mayor of their town was influential in helping them obtain the property. Joel's parents kind and courteous behavior towards this man paved the way for Joel to receive a favorable outcome.

Either way you look at it, these parents planted  seeds that reaped a bountiful harvest in their children's future successes and if their children continue the legacy, their grandchildren will benefit as well.......

........................and that is a rich inheritance that any parent no matter what their social standing can leave .