A Reader asks "Can being right be wrong?"

 

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Hi Ms. Usher,

My girlfriend reads your blog and suggested I write you for some advice about a situation at my job. I work in an office with a bunch of guys and it's pretty laid back. There's a  guy on our team who seems to go out of his way to piss some of  us off. Whenever we talk about stuff, he has to find a way to make himself the top dog in the discussion and the rest of us look like idiots.  If one of us  says a basketball player missed about 18,000 shots in his career, he will jump in the conversation and ,say "this basketball player actually missed 17,285 shots 5,253 of which were  free throw misses." He does this all the time to the point of arguing like there is a prize if he wins, but one situation had us all ready to let this guy have it. One of the ladies in our IT department just came back from her honeymoon in Hawaii. She was showing pictures  to everyone and he started in on her about how Maui is a popular honeymoon location, what's the big deal, people go there all the time, it is not really an exotic place. He really upset her with all of his "stats" about her honeymoon destination. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this guy? We have to work with him everyday and he does his job but this one thing makes us want to take him outside and pound him. We are not always right (no one is) but we are not stupid either and we are really tired of his bulls***.

Ty

Dear Ty,

Thank you for your question,  I understand people wanting to set the record straight , but when a person is always in the mode of correcting people or having to prove they are "right", it can do more harm than good sometimes. I am not sure what your co-workers motive is perhaps he just wants to feel important and knowledgeable, unfortunately it is at the expense of others  and he  has no idea he is isolating people. I agree with you, nobody likes to be made to feel like a prized idiot by a self appointed know-it-all. My suggestion would be to acknowledge his contribution but do not argue  or debate with him. Some suggested responses are as follows:

"Thanks I will keep that in mind."
"That's interesting."

"I see."

"Oh, OK"
"Thanks  for sharing that."

These responses offer no agreement with  him but it is a polite way of recognizing what he said and you can redirect the conversation back on course. (though you may want to still pound him). 

I hope that your co-worker will see how counterproductive his behavior is and stop doing it and hopefully the suggestions I made  will be a helpful aid in doing so.

Best of luck,

Demita

To my blog readers:

There is nothing wrong with bringing correction where there is error. However, a person should ask themselves three questions, "Is this the right time?" , "What will be gained by me saying something?" and "Is it really about me wining or expanding understanding?"
 
Dale Carnegie, the author of the classic book, "How to win friends and influence people" Shares a story in his book that for me drives the point home:

I was attending a banquet on night given in Sir Ross’s honor; and during the dinner, the man sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the quotation “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will.”The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible.  He was wrong.  I knew that. I knew it positively.  There couldn’t be the slightest doubt about it.  And so, to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him.  He stuck to his guns.  What?  From Shakespeare?  Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was from the Bible. And he knew it.The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted years to the study of Shakespeare.  So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr. Gammond.  Mr. Gammond listened,  kicked me under the table, and then said: “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is right it is from the Bible” On the way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond:  “Frank, you knew that quotation was from Shakespeare.”“Yes, of course,” he replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two.  But we were guests at a festive occasion my dear Dale.  Why prove to a man he is wrong?  Is that going to make him like you?  Why not let him save his face?  He didn’t ask for your opinion.  He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? (Pgs. 115,116)

 

 Though it was wrong for Mr. Gammond to agree with an error and even though Dale Carnegie was right, what could he have gained by winning? Nothing of importance and Mr. Gammond knew that.  His need to be right would have embarrassed the man in front of other guests, the man would have been humiliated, felt foolish the rest of the evening and what would always remain fresh in his mind would not be the correct information, but that Dale rebuked him in the presence of others by exposing his ignorance and making him fell small.

When we are "right", if the motive is not to bring out the best in others, then it can be for all intents and purposes be "wrong" This does not mean we co-sign with a clear error or lie, but how we present  the truth can make a difference in how it is perceived and received. I have a dear friend who is truly a man of few words. In group conversations, he quietly listened and would every so often share something that made us think and consider and sometimes his humble suggestion brought "correction".

To appear well informed, I am sad to say I have made the mistake of being more motivated to be right than to share out of humility and sincereity. I have learned to use the phrases I shared with Ty more often, especially if it is not the right time or place to discuss it further or the person is not open to  what I have to say. I have come to realize that I  gain nothing by making the other person feel foolish even if I am "right".

Comedy, Satire, Freedom of Speech, and degrading a minor; when is enough, enough?

  Quvenzhane' Wallis- 2013  

Academy Award Best Actress Nominee 

and The youngest nominee in history

 

Ok I am familiar with the online publication "The Onion" and it's reputation for it's biting commentary and envelope pushing satire. I admit I did not actively follow their activity, until a particular statement posted on their twitter account ast night made me take notice (and not in a good way). It seems one of their writers got the bright idea that it would be funny to call 9 year old Academy Award best actress nominee Quvenshane' Wallis the c word (a vulgar word for a woman's private parts). What followed was a flood of outrage from the public, including some celebrities causing the powers that be to quickly pull the tweet and hastily issue an apology.  In the midst of the powers that be doing damage control, some of the former writers for The Onion felt differently and one of the editors in particular had this to say:

"‪It shows they don't have faith in the writers, or in their public. ‬It looks worse that they took [the tweet] down," one former Onion editor, Joe Garden, told BuzzFeed.
"My reaction was, 'It wasn't a great joke, but big deal,'" Garden said. "I saw where they were going, and the commentary was about the media construct and the Oscar hype in general. But the tweet was shocking for the sake of shocking, but I think that [taking it down] was not the way to handle it."

I am appalled that people can be so cavalier about leveling a derogatory comment (and a sexual one at that) at a child and their emotional reaction is not one of regret or remorse, but anger at the heads of the company for taking measures to issue an apology and make amends.  Then to add insult to injury they level the accusation that  the company heads do not trust their writers enough to let such a scathing comment stand. The truth is, is that they misread their audience and were not prepared for the backlash.The concept of humor and satire is not lost on me, but there are times when the line has been crossed, and people need to be called on it and this is clearly one of those times. There is nothing funny about what was said and Miss Wallis was owed an apology even if the originator of this insult was unwilling to give it.  I applaud Mr. Hannah for issuing the following statement (in the name of damage control, I know) in response to such a disrespectful action:

Feb. 25, 2013

Dear Readers,
On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the tweet that was circulated last night during the Oscars. It was crude and offensive—not to mention inconsistent with The Onion’s commitment to parody and satire, however biting. No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire. The tweet was taken down within an hour of publication. We have instituted new and tighter Twitter procedures to ensure that this kind of mistake does not occur again. In addition, we are taking immediate steps to discipline those individuals responsible. Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry.
Sincerely,
Steve Hannah
CEO
The Onion

 Quvenzhane' and Ben Affleck

I grew up listening to different comedians and their material ranged from safe to edgy. I have heard them use heads of state, famous people, infamous people, for their comedic material,but never once did I ever hear any of them use such a remark against any of the people they cracked jokes on and NEVER directed any of it at a child. As Mr. Hannah stated, she is a talented young girl, she does deserve better and she deserves to be respected! Its crass, irresponsible behavior like this that makes me wish the Hayes Office was still around because they held people to a certain standard. By today's standard the Hayes Office would probably seem too strict for the taste of many. That may be true but they held people accountable for their behavior for morality sake, something that is sorely lacking today unless a lawsuit is involved. One comedy writer  from that era said that he actually learned to appreciate the Hayes Office because it made him a better writer. It does not take a brilliant mind to be vile and disgusting, anybody can do that, but to be genuinely funny without being degrading to anyone is truly a gift and it can be done, the lasting power of  shows like"I love Lucy" and comedians like Bill Cosby is proof of that.


The fact of the matter is, that these people do not know her, so how can they be so disrespectful is beyond me. The freedom of speech that the founding fathers of this country spoke of  was not so that adult men and women could use that freedom to insult and belittle a child (or anyone) in hopes to get a laugh in the name of being edgy. It was given so that people could speak the truth with out fear and I can safely say that calling Quvenzhane' the c word is not the truth. 

I also applaud the celebrities and the public at large for speaking up and letting these writers know that their "humor" was not acceptable and your voice made them remove that tweet within an hour of being posted. The writers assumed because in times past that their audience laughed with them,  that anything goes and they can say and do anything without consequence, you suggested otherwise. You represented what "freedom of  speech" is truly about  and that is to not only stand for truth, but to speak up for those who are being attacked by those who use their "freedom" to speak to harm or inflict injury on others. If we continue to speak out, then maybe these writers will finally get the message that while freedom of speech is respected, the abuse of that freedom will not be tolerated.

Pollyanna Revisited - Playing the Glad Game

This year  is the 100 year anniversary of the book Pollyanna. To call someone a Pollyanna in this day and time is to label them a naive optimist. If you read the story,  Pollyanna was nothing of the like. An orphan living with a cold and distant aunt, Pollyanna was an intuitive child who learned the art of gratitude  through the "Glad Game", a game her father taught her before he died. She suffered alot of loss in her young life so she was not immune to pain, but through finding reasons to be glad she was able to keep gloom at bay and teach by example the townspeople that their lives were filled with more blessings than they realized. She  fell short and succumbed to human weakness in her ability to always be glad, but  more times than not she prevailed. It was a deliberate choice to be glad and not trust her feelings.

I suggest we all recapture our childlike hearts and play the glad game every day. It is simply declaring the things big or small that make you grateful. It could be a promotion at work, a cup of tea, a warm sunny day, just be glad! We all have something to be glad for. I suggest we also openly express gratitude to others for what they have contributed to our lives.  Did you know that according to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, one of reasons Rabbis, Ministers, Pastors, etc. experience burnout because of the lack of gratitude from those they serve. The  daily practice of gratitude is not just for us, but for others.

                                                           What are you glad for?

Please, say THANK YOU (Part 1)

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God....... I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens............

-From Abraham Lincoln's  thanksgiving proclamation  October 3, 1863

As I read through Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation in it's entirety I could feel  his sense of  urgency in the midst of war of re-directing the nations focus back on the importance of being grateful, so much in fact that he created a national holiday  to serve as a constant reminder to American citizens. Regardless of race or gender, he understood that gratitude would serve as an important ingredient in healing the wounds of the nation and reconciling the losses that the nation had suffered .  Of the many books I have read on manners and social graces, the authors seemed to express that  gratitude  was of the utmost importance in dealing with each other.

Today I fear that many of  us have lost sight of the passion to be humbly grateful wherewith Mr. Lincoln signed the holiday into law. The lack of kindness and gratitude that people are supposed to treat each other with is astounding and it makes me wonder has it just become a day to eat more than we should , watch football and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade? Don't misunderstand it is a wonderful gift indeed to enjoy these things, but has being grateful just become an shallow external expression that we express only at this time of year so  that we do not become completely self absorbed?

If as our former president so eloquently expressed it we are truly grateful for the abundance that God has given us despite the challenges many of us are facing in this season then Please, SAY THANK YOU, not just today but every day!

In the mean time, it is my hope that you will enjoy the day with your family and look for my next post in which I will share that  how not being grateful can be hazardous to your health.

Where did this come from? (The truth behind the tradition)



Queen Victoria’s dress was of rich white satin, trimmed with orange flower blossoms.

Why do brides wear white? While Queen Victoria was not the first bride to wear white for her wedding she definitely made it popular. In the years to follow not only did brides copy her, it is the accepted color to represent wedding dresses today. Up until Queen Victoria's wedding a woman usually wore her best dress to get married in. Though white has been traditionally recognized as a symbol of purity, it was not, it was a symbol of WEALTH because only a wealthy woman could "waste" a dress by wearing it once because white was extremely difficult to clean back then (and still is today). The color that  actually represented purity was blue.

On a side note, you want to know what motivated Victoria to wear white on her wedding day? She wanted to incorporate some lace she loved into her dress and one way to do that was to wear white. She was not making a stance for purity or wealth, she just wanted to wear some pretty lace on her wedding day!



For Crying Out Loud

Manners transcend social status, race and gender. Courtesy and consideration help to make the unbearable parts of life a little more bearable...a person who is considerate of others is welcome almost anywhere.

Karen Grigsby Bates and  Karen E. Hudson

RETRO VIDEO-Are Manners Important?

What exactly is ETIQUETTE ??

I have asked people over time what they think of when they hear the word etiquette and usually the thoughts of older wealthy women with little dogs, tea parties, country clubs, and seemingly snooty waiters who turn their noses up at you usually come to mind.  The truth is however that the meaning of the word has nothing to do with the images of wealth and class although it is identified with it. Though many stories  about the origin of etiquette exist,  one of my favorite stories  provides a good explanation for the essence of its meaning.

The story goes that  the gardeners of  King Louis XIV  were trying to do damage control in regards to the lawns and gardens during  the lavish parties that were held at Versailles.  They would post "etiques" (signs) that would instruct the guests to keep off the grass and don't walk on the flowers.  Well, people ignored the memo and the King finally had to tell people they could not go beyond the signs themselves. The word  etiques evolved into the word etiquette which means "a ticket" and served as an invitation  to court functions which provided instructions for correct behavior and ceremonial observations while they were guests of the King and Queen at court. Today the meaning of etiquette has again evolved to define polite behavior in society.

Regardless of  where the true history of etiquette originated, it's definition of  "ticket" beautifully defines the essence of the word. Proper conduct, proper behavior, politeness and kindness which are the heartbeat of etiquette can serve as a "ticket" that can open doors of opportunity when properly utilized. My mentor Maura Graber, founder of the R.S.V.P Institute of Etiquette has shared with me that on many occasions this special "ticket" has served her well in business and in her personal life; not only opening  doors for her, but it has opened doors for those who have learned from her expertise as well. I am not implying that etiquette is some sort of magic wand to make all the "bad" go away, but I am saying that when we take the time to treat ourselves and others well, it creates opportunities to build relationships or at the least it will serve as an inspiration for others to do better.

While only 5 lucky children got the "Golden Ticket" to Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. Everyone can use etiquette as the ticket to help create golden opportunities in your life and the lives of others.