A Reader asks "Can being right be wrong?"

 

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Hi Ms. Usher,

My girlfriend reads your blog and suggested I write you for some advice about a situation at my job. I work in an office with a bunch of guys and it's pretty laid back. There's a  guy on our team who seems to go out of his way to piss some of  us off. Whenever we talk about stuff, he has to find a way to make himself the top dog in the discussion and the rest of us look like idiots.  If one of us  says a basketball player missed about 18,000 shots in his career, he will jump in the conversation and ,say "this basketball player actually missed 17,285 shots 5,253 of which were  free throw misses." He does this all the time to the point of arguing like there is a prize if he wins, but one situation had us all ready to let this guy have it. One of the ladies in our IT department just came back from her honeymoon in Hawaii. She was showing pictures  to everyone and he started in on her about how Maui is a popular honeymoon location, what's the big deal, people go there all the time, it is not really an exotic place. He really upset her with all of his "stats" about her honeymoon destination. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this guy? We have to work with him everyday and he does his job but this one thing makes us want to take him outside and pound him. We are not always right (no one is) but we are not stupid either and we are really tired of his bulls***.

Ty

Dear Ty,

Thank you for your question,  I understand people wanting to set the record straight , but when a person is always in the mode of correcting people or having to prove they are "right", it can do more harm than good sometimes. I am not sure what your co-workers motive is perhaps he just wants to feel important and knowledgeable, unfortunately it is at the expense of others  and he  has no idea he is isolating people. I agree with you, nobody likes to be made to feel like a prized idiot by a self appointed know-it-all. My suggestion would be to acknowledge his contribution but do not argue  or debate with him. Some suggested responses are as follows:

"Thanks I will keep that in mind."
"That's interesting."

"I see."

"Oh, OK"
"Thanks  for sharing that."

These responses offer no agreement with  him but it is a polite way of recognizing what he said and you can redirect the conversation back on course. (though you may want to still pound him). 

I hope that your co-worker will see how counterproductive his behavior is and stop doing it and hopefully the suggestions I made  will be a helpful aid in doing so.

Best of luck,

Demita

To my blog readers:

There is nothing wrong with bringing correction where there is error. However, a person should ask themselves three questions, "Is this the right time?" , "What will be gained by me saying something?" and "Is it really about me wining or expanding understanding?"
 
Dale Carnegie, the author of the classic book, "How to win friends and influence people" Shares a story in his book that for me drives the point home:

I was attending a banquet on night given in Sir Ross’s honor; and during the dinner, the man sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the quotation “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will.”The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible.  He was wrong.  I knew that. I knew it positively.  There couldn’t be the slightest doubt about it.  And so, to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him.  He stuck to his guns.  What?  From Shakespeare?  Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was from the Bible. And he knew it.The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted years to the study of Shakespeare.  So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr. Gammond.  Mr. Gammond listened,  kicked me under the table, and then said: “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is right it is from the Bible” On the way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond:  “Frank, you knew that quotation was from Shakespeare.”“Yes, of course,” he replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two.  But we were guests at a festive occasion my dear Dale.  Why prove to a man he is wrong?  Is that going to make him like you?  Why not let him save his face?  He didn’t ask for your opinion.  He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? (Pgs. 115,116)

 

 Though it was wrong for Mr. Gammond to agree with an error and even though Dale Carnegie was right, what could he have gained by winning? Nothing of importance and Mr. Gammond knew that.  His need to be right would have embarrassed the man in front of other guests, the man would have been humiliated, felt foolish the rest of the evening and what would always remain fresh in his mind would not be the correct information, but that Dale rebuked him in the presence of others by exposing his ignorance and making him fell small.

When we are "right", if the motive is not to bring out the best in others, then it can be for all intents and purposes be "wrong" This does not mean we co-sign with a clear error or lie, but how we present  the truth can make a difference in how it is perceived and received. I have a dear friend who is truly a man of few words. In group conversations, he quietly listened and would every so often share something that made us think and consider and sometimes his humble suggestion brought "correction".

To appear well informed, I am sad to say I have made the mistake of being more motivated to be right than to share out of humility and sincereity. I have learned to use the phrases I shared with Ty more often, especially if it is not the right time or place to discuss it further or the person is not open to  what I have to say. I have come to realize that I  gain nothing by making the other person feel foolish even if I am "right".

Manners Monday: A.R.K- Act of Real Kindness

On a flight from Detroit to Los Angeles, actress Amy Adams quietly gave her first-class seat to an American serviceman who had been booked in coach.

Jemele Hill , co-host of ESPN2's Numbers Never Lie tweeted about Ms. Adams act of kindness with quickly went viral.

"I just thought it was incredibly classy and thoughtful," Hill said. "I already was a fan of hers, but now I'm a bigger one after today,"

And so am I, Kudos to you Amy for making one solider's ride to his destination a more comfortable one.

For Crying Out Loud

 

I think if you want to be edgy and counterculture now, just have manners and etiquette. It will blow people away. Sad but true.

 

-Aundrea Love

Vintage Model

Chinese New Year Etiquette

The Lunar New Year holiday is celebrated by many Asian cultures.  It is usually celebrated over a minimum three-day period to about fifteen days surrounding the first full moon of the year. Festivities begin the day before the full moon, the day of the full moon, and the day following the full moon.

The following are some of the practices that the Chinese community  in particular observe in preparation for the arrival of the new year:

1.      Settle  all debts before the new year. The goal of settling ones debts is to begin the New Year with a clean slate  and to have sufficient funds available to provide all that will be needed to ensure a joyus celebration  will be had by all.
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2.      A thorough house cleaning. This is done before the new year to make sure that you do not sweep away any good luck.

3.      Use special paper greetings, flowers, and fruits to decorate your home.  Greeting cards and good luck symbols are tied on a blooming tree along with an abundance of fragrant flowers and fruits.  It is believed the more abundant the tree is with these  beautiful items, the more good luck the family will experience in the New Year

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4.      New clothes for the New Year. This signified starting the new year off with a clean slate. ( the color red is considered a lucky color)

5.      Celebrating the new year is a family affair with plenty of food and drink. This time is used to heal and reconcile and strengthen relationships as we transition into the New Year. Make sure all your favorite dishes, plus a few traditional are in abundance. Running water during the first day in the New Year is frowned upon because doing so denies  the earth and water a day of rest.

6.      Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to all! Everyone becomes a year older with the New Year, no matter when your birthday is celebrated . Give children red “Lai See” envelopes with “good luck” money inside. This tradition is also used for many other festive occasions, in lieu of modern gift-giving practices. (Instructions for Lai See Etiquette are listed below)

7.      Honor Your Ancestors. Have photos of family members and loved ones on display that have passed away.  It is unfortunate they cannot be there in person with you, so honor them by holding them in remembrance.

8.      Cook, Cook, Cook, And Cook some more!  As your favorite places may be closed on New Years Day, because others in the Asian community are also celebrating, make sure you have plenty of food to last three days!

9.      Visit family, friends and build new friendships. The first day in the New Year is spent with your immediate family, the second day is often spent with good friends and special guests.  Modern traditions dictate that the third day be spent celebrating  with teachers and business associates.This is also a great opportunity to create new friendships and start the new year off together.

10.  Pay significant attention to your actions. Recognize  the first acts you perform in the New Year. Displays of anger, lying, raising your voice, indecent language and breaking anything during the first three days of the New Year is forbidden, especially the first day.

Hopefully these tips will help you celebrate with your friends in the Asian community and enjoy the wonderful traditions that accompany them.

新年快樂

Happy New Year!

Lai See Etiquette (From Geo Expat.com)

During Chinese New Year, and stretching into the following week, you may notice a flurry of red envelopes being exchanged almost everywhere you go. These fancy little red envelopes, called "lai see", are packets that contain good luck money. Giving lai see to people is a big part of Chinese New Year celebrations, so you don't want to miss out on giving (or receiving!) them in the following couple of weeks.

But giving lai see is not like handing out candy to children on Halloween (unless you're one of those grumps who don't like giving treats to the kids without costumes). There's a set of rules you have to abide by when giving out lai see.

Locals give out lai see like it's second nature to them, but in fact, there are different amounts distinguished for different people and people with different marital statuses and also people with different job positions. Starting to feel a little weary about this whole business? You'll get the hang of it once you understand proper lai see etiquette.

Lai see is bestowed from "big to small", "old to young", and "senior to junior". For example, if you are the boss or manager, you should give lai see to your employees. If you live in an apartment complex with its own management staff, you should give lai see to your security guard, cleaners, and doorman. Married couples also give to their single, younger relatives, and may give two lai see packets to each recipient (one from each spouse). If you are unmarried, you will usually only need to give one packet to each recipient.

You don't have to give lai see to everyone you know, but keep in mind that there is a chance you may forget somebody. People usually bring a pile of red envelopes with them whenever they go out, just in case they might bump into someone accidentally (and since this is Hong Kong, you probably w ill). It's best to keep a mixture of $10, $20, $50, and $100 envelopes on you to be ready at all times.The amount you put in the lai see is up to you, Use this handy guide to avoid any lai see faux-pas! Don’t forget to give and receive with both hands as this is regarded as a sign of courtesy. Also, never let children give out lai sees to older folk or service staff – this is considered insulting.

Who?	How Much?
Security guard / door man / building management team / cleaning staff	$20 - $50 per person, more if you’re in a smaller building with a single guard/cleaner
Helper / driver	$100 (for part-time helpers) - $500
Staff (if you’re the boss)	$50 - $500
Colleagues and friends	$20 - $100
Waitress or waiter/ barista / anyone who serves you regularly	$20 - $50
Hairdresser, manicurist, massage therapist, etc.	$50 - $100

For Crying Out Loud

 

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

 Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners. 

-Laurence Sterne

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

For Crying Out Loud

GOOD MANNERS WILL MAKE YOU FABULOUS!

 

-ANONYMOUS

Social Graces in History- Why men tip their hats

Seeing this can be very intimidating, I would want him to lift his mask to let me know his intent was friendly how about you?

When knights in medieval times wanted to express friendly intent, they would raise their face masks and reveal their faces. The practice of saluting is also derived from this practice the knights created.   Lifting one's armor mask eventually evolved into the custom of "tipping" one's hat to greet or acknowledge another, women  in particular. When knights would enter a building, removing their helmet signified a peaceful position, since a knight could not fight or defend himself without the helmet.  Since the removal of his helmet made him vulnerable, it informed others that combat or any type of violence was not his motive. This practice also evolved into the removal of one's hat when entering a building, when hearing the national anthem and in different situations where they would not be going back out in public immediately. Men would hold their hats in their hand when speaking with a lady but would put it back on when they began to walk together if out in public. It is amazing to see how these common courtesies have their roots in codes of conduct and communication from ancient practices to ensure a peaceful position was maintained in certain situations.

Imagine being a lady passing by and being treated to this!

Respectable Disagreements: Can we agree to disagree?

Many people criticize the president harshly. They criticize from every side, but most of the people who criticize don't even participate fully in the political process. And almost nobody realizes how difficult it is to negotiate with people who have a hundreds of conflicting demands that all represent AMERICA. WE are AMERICA. Only we can make the changes that we seek. No president can or ever has been able to make changes on completely his own. Its never possible to please all the people all the time. If we disagree with our president, it should be done with respect, the same respect that we hope to receive ourselves, no matter what our particular views happen to be.

-Gabriel Angelo, Age 14

Gabriel With President Obama

The statement above was expressed by a talented young musician who has met the President in person and had the opportunity to perform for him. There were those who chalked up his statement to his being young, idealistic and not of age to vote to really understand what politics are really about. You do not have to be an adult with tons of votes under your belt to recognize the importance of respecting one another, even when you do not agree. I found Gabriel's statement well expressed and expressed with a wisdom and insight well beyond his years, a mature viewpoint I do not see in many adults these days.



This post is not in favor of or against the President, leader or any political affiliation, but to address the importance to respect people in positions of leadership. Respect does not mean  agreement, it simply means  we respect the position they hold while we do not adhere to their views or convictions. Any of us who have held or holds a position of influence be it as a parent, teacher, pastor, office manager, congressman, etc. knows it is not easy to lead and make decisions that will benefit people at large. To be under the constant scrutiny of people criticizing every move you make, leveling insults and put downs are never considering the impact of their words and/or actions.

Another colleague of mine mentioned that leaders set the example by the way they treat other leaders and I could not agree more. When you are in a position of influence, people are watching you, they will many times follow your lead and any action or deed can be taken out of context and grossly mis-understood. I recall the photograph of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer that went viral of her pointed finger in the face of the President. To this day it was not made clear what the exchange was really about in that moment though there has been much speculation, but once the photo went viral,  there were some people all too happy to "high five" the governor for what they perceived to be her "putting him in his place". Some also expressed disappointment at the gesture and did not support it at all. Gov Brewer has stressed over and over that she would never disrespect the office of the President, but the body language captured in that photo seemed to give a different impression and some people the permission to support their perceived sentiment whether it was true or not whether it was right or not.

Our body language speaks louder than our words!

I am appalled at the horrible treatment I see people give those in leadership local, national, or global and those who do not agree with their views. Social media has become a cheap way for people  to do expensive damage to people's name and reputation all  in the name of free speech. I do not believe that freedom of speech was implemented to that we could attack and slander people we do dislike or disagree with. It was platform by which people were given the privilege to speak  and to disagree respectfully without fear of retaliation or punishment. Sadly many have set themselves up as judge,jury, and executioner in the court of public opinion to do it to others and the ramifications are far reaching way beyond the printed page of old. Now it is around the world in a matter of seconds thanks to the internet!

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Gabriel made a profound statement, "We are all America" in that all inclusive statement, that means we all have different views and experiences. The child raised in a single parent home is going to see life differently than the child raised in a two parent home. The man who has lived a life of advantage  and privilege will see the world differently than a man who has to work 60 hour weeks just to make rent and bills for his family. A Black , White, Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, etc. all see life from a different perspective so of course what is important to us is going to vary yet we expect those in charge to view the world from our unique standpoint, it does not work that way. We have to leave room for other people to see things differently, (this does not include the clear boundaries of right and wrong  such as lying,stealing, cheating,  killing, etc.) and respect their perspective on matters of importance.

 If we disagree with our president, it should be done with respect, the same respect that we hope to receive ourselves, no matter what our particular views happen to be.

The final part of Gabriel's statement voices the very essence of what etiquette and social graces should be about and that is  the golden rule, treating others as we would want to be treated. He also drew attention to the fact that if we want to see change, we have to take responsibility and  work together respectfully to obtain it.  We all want respect  even if others do not  always agree with us, should we not afford others the same privilege without insult, ridicule or disrespect where it is rightfully merited?

Pollyanna Revisited - Playing the Glad Game

This year  is the 100 year anniversary of the book Pollyanna. To call someone a Pollyanna in this day and time is to label them a naive optimist. If you read the story,  Pollyanna was nothing of the like. An orphan living with a cold and distant aunt, Pollyanna was an intuitive child who learned the art of gratitude  through the "Glad Game", a game her father taught her before he died. She suffered alot of loss in her young life so she was not immune to pain, but through finding reasons to be glad she was able to keep gloom at bay and teach by example the townspeople that their lives were filled with more blessings than they realized. She  fell short and succumbed to human weakness in her ability to always be glad, but  more times than not she prevailed. It was a deliberate choice to be glad and not trust her feelings.

I suggest we all recapture our childlike hearts and play the glad game every day. It is simply declaring the things big or small that make you grateful. It could be a promotion at work, a cup of tea, a warm sunny day, just be glad! We all have something to be glad for. I suggest we also openly express gratitude to others for what they have contributed to our lives.  Did you know that according to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, one of reasons Rabbis, Ministers, Pastors, etc. experience burnout because of the lack of gratitude from those they serve. The  daily practice of gratitude is not just for us, but for others.

                                                           What are you glad for?

Modesty at the Grammy Awards

Rhianna at the 2013 Grammys

 Modesty at the Grammy Awards

 Memo from the CBS office:

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. 

When I read this, I was relieved that finally some standards are being required of these entertainers when they attend the Grammys (I hope it will be a standard for all the award shows going forward)   I have seen on the red carpet more than I would I like of half naked women in the name of so called cutting edge sexiness. What I find disturbing about this scenario is that CBS had to send out a memo in the first place to a group of adults who should know better. Certainly no one is asking  these celebrities to dress like nuns, but why is being one step from naked a necessity?

Jennifer Lopez at the 2000 Grammys

Dressing tastefully is to me a sign of self respect is not only to yourself, but a sign that you respect those around you. You may be comfortable with your body, but not everyone is comfortable with seeing so much of it.

Jennifer Lopez at the 2013 Grammys 

I think that to be dressed with a touch of modesty is not a sentence to be dowdy but it speaks of elegance and class when you are properly covered. It is not necessary to announce you have legs and breasts by the lack of fabric or sheer see through fabrics believe me, people  already know you do.

Adele in a cute floral number at the 2013 Grammys

Adele in Armani at the 2012 Grammys LOVE IT!

I wonder what has happened over the years to where  some celebrities have lost their sense of restraint to where  they live by the standard that whatever you can get away with you say it, wear it, or you do it. I miss the days where celebrities on the red carpet be it acting or music carried themselves with a sense of style and polish. Why? because they understood anything less was unacceptable and they did not need a memo from the head of any studio or tv network to tell them so.

Dorothy Dandridge at Carmen Jones Premiere

Clark Gable and Grace Kelly

Dressing appropriately for the occasion, is not just for the celebrities but for their audience as well.  With millions of people all over the world watching them, would it not be in their best interest to put their best foot forward? Especially with young impressionable children also watching how they carry themselves in the eyes of the public. In reviewing  some of the red carpet footage, some of the celebrities clearly disregarded the memo in the name of self expression.

Katy Perry in a peek a boo dress

 My question is still why is it necessary? Many of these celebrities are talented, award winning not to mention beautiful/handsome singers and songwriters who do not need to objectify themselves or is this what the public demands of them and they feel the need to comply in the name of staying "current"? Either way, I applaud CBS for taking this step to try to  make watching an award show a pleasant experience. I know part of the reason is to avoid lawsuits ( remember Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction?), but it still speaks how important  a little modesty is for the sake of all.

Gaming Ettiquette

I admit the pinnacle  of my video game skills peaked at Pac Man (Google it youngsters). I have been informed however that video games have evolved to rival major motion pictures including a rating system. Gamers can also play with other gamers online around the world. With this global village to available to test your skill level, there are bound to be some toes stepped on and so again rules must be implemented to keep the playing field civil, no matter how much your game mate in Sri Lanka is annoying you  by rubbing their latest victory in your face.



1. Play Fair
Don't cheat, if you want to win, sharpen your skill level until you do.


2. Be A Good Sport
Win or lose be a gracious victor or opponent.


3.  Save the Caps for the dentist
  It's the text equivalent of yelling at everyone, keep it lower case.

4. You Were a Noob (newbie) Too
Learning  a new game and getting familiar  with all the details can be unsettling no matter what your skill level. Joe Cocker said he can get by with a little help from his friends, lend a hand and help the new player get up to speed instead of giving them the scarlet letter of "noob" and giving them the brush off. After all isn't a game more fun when all the players present a challenge? Makes for good game playing if you ask me.


 5. There is no "I" in Team
Yes it is an over used cliche' but still holds true. If you are playing as part of a team, keep it that way, every persons participation is important.

6. Don't Be a Quitter
Unless the enviroment is toxic, don't run at the first sign of defeat, keep playing and if you find that you keep losing the battle, enlist the help of a fellow gamer to address your vulnerabilities. Sometimes we are completely unaware of our blind spots.

7. Insults

No matter how well you conduct yourself, there is always someone who likes to hit below the belt. When someone insults you, the best thing to do  is to ignore them. If the insults continue, most chat and voice systems have 'ignore' functions that enable you to block them. Returning the insults  only escalates the situation and has the potential to poison your connection with other gamers in your cyber circle. If you ignore them and they continue the abuse, others will quickly recognize where the source of trouble is.
 
8. Enjoy the Game

It is simple as that, enjoy yourself. That is what  you are there for, to have a good time. Don't let your fun be drained away by becoming obsessed with the game.


With these suggestions in mind, I wish you happy gaming!

Profiles In Manners and Public Displays of Social Graces

Scotty Maloney (Center)

I usually profile icons in history, but this story is too precious to pass up. Jesse Cooper, Drew Gibbs and Zeke Grissom were all nominated for Homecoming King at their high school in Tennessee. They decided that no matter who won, they would bestow the honor to their fellow classmate Scotty Maloney, who has Williams Syndrome, a neurological disorder that affects learning and speech.



"I've been blessed with so many things," Cooper told ABC News' Nashville affiliate WKRN-TV. "I just wanted Scotty to experience something great in his high school days."

"He's always happy, so he deserves some recognition for who he is," Gibbs said.

Scotty (Center) with Jesse Cooper, Drew Gibbs and Zeke Grissom and another classmate.

When Scotty's name was announced at the ceremony, he received a standing ovation as the medal was placed around his neck. This story was a beautiful example of how to treat others. These young men saw this as an opportunity to give to  publicly honor a fellow classmate  and treat him like "one of the guys" .

Scotty's teacher Liz Hestle Gassaway felt this selfless act by these three young men set a wonderful  example that others would be wise to follow. "We want people to have more empathy towards people, not be scared of people with disabilities," she said. "We want them to embrace them, more like the boys did."

Scotty proudly shows off his medal as Homecoming King

Actions like these make me proud to know that not everyone in this generation has succumbed to the abyss of reality television and the sometimes mindless social media. Kudos to these outstanding young men!

The Notation Knife: Gratitude with your food

Gratitude is one social grace that never goes out of style and everyone has a tradition of how they express gratitude for the pleasure of dining. Those of the traditional christian faith give thanks before their meal, those in the Jewish community give thanks before and after, and others have their own expression of gratitude for the pleasures they enjoy. In my research of unique dining utensils, I came across the "Notation Knife"; a beautifully crafted  knife was created around the16th century. It is believed that this utensil was used to both carve and present the food, probably meat, to nobility.  The knife, whose origin has not been confirmed (though some suspect it was made in Italy) is made of steel with a handle made of brass, ivory and silver.


The knife was beautifully inscribed with notations expressing gratitude for the enjoyment of a good meal. The inscription on one side of the blade reads "The blessing of the table. May the three-in-one bless that which we are about to eat."  This would be sung before the meal was taken. On the other side the inscription gives thanks after the meal, "The saying of grace. We give thanks to you God for your generosity."

Being an avid music lover I was curious to know what these songs of gratitude would sound like in that time. Luckily Flora Denis, an Art Historian for the University of Sussex did the research to bring these beautiful melodies back to life. (See the last 2 minutes of the clip). It is a delightful melody with beautiful harmonies. I would have found it quite enjoyable to listen to  if I had lived in that time at the beginning and end of my meal.

 This lovely knife is very rare and highly valuable so should you come across one at your local thrift store quietly pay your couple of dollars for it and sing your way to your nearest "Antiques Roadshow" for a huge recompense.

The British Press vs Downton Abbey and Two Etiquette Sleuths; Historians or Hysterians?

 Maura Graber and I are fans of the British T.V. program Downton Abbey and we have discovered several complaints of  historical inaccuracies being posted on line about the show. We decided to investigate the concerns and collaborated to create this post in response to the "Hysterians" that seek to poison the well of others enjoyment of the show. Enjoy and we welcome your comments.

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As a fan of the first season of the critically acclaimed and popular Downton Abbey, I shared my DVD copy with fellow etiquette enthusiast, guest blogger and consultant, Demita Usher. She enjoyed it as thoroughly as I, and we have been waiting for the second season of the show to be broadcast in the U.S. As fans of the show, we have a few words for those making criticism in the British press.

Imagine our surprise upon seeing the following headline in The Daily Telegraph; Downton Abbey: historical inaccuracies and mistakes plaguing ITV show or this one in the U.K. Daily Mail; Downton shoots itself in the foot as gun enthusiast gives both barrels over historical inaccuracies

Historians, (or could they possibly be hysterians?), make numerous assertions regarding the historical accuracy of the series. One article quotes "historian and broadcaster, A.N. Wilson", as saying, "... the portrayal of country house life was sanitised fantasy."  Whereas Julian Fellowes, Oscar-winning creator of Downton Abbey, strongly defended the show's script by saying that he believes the "the programme is pretty accurate". Adding, "The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge."  Indeed!

Now, we are not trying to be posh, nor do we want to show "how smart we are", we simply would like to defend Julian Fellowes, by providing a bit of historical perspective. As for those who are offering their comments and criticisms to the press regarding the authenticity of the clothing for a local hunt, the road sign, aerial attached to a house, etc... we won't quibble with you on those points.  We will simply discuss the criticism of cultural terminology and popular common phrases in use during the Edwardian period.

Hysterian Assertion #1- The word "boyfriend" was not used during this time.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following: Official report of debates Council of Europe. Parliamentary Assembly, Council of Europe, page 470 (1895): "... from yesterday's edition of The Times of London which states, 'A woman who joined a company run by fundamentalist Christians was required to sign an undertaking that she would not live with her boyfriend."

From Wenderholme: A story of Lancashire and Yorkshire By Philip Gilbert Hamerton, Page 301, (1876): "This cheered Edith's heart considerably, but still there was a certain moisture in her eyes as she bade farewell to her boyfriend."

From The life and remains of Douglas Jerrold By Blanchard Jerrold, Douglas William Jerrold Page 331 (1859): "My early boyfriend, Laman Blanchard, and Kenny Meadows, a dear friend too, whose names have become musical in the world's ear, were of that society — of that knot of wise and jocund men ..."

Hysterian Assertion #2- The Phrase "get shafted" was not used until the 1960's.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Debates: official report, Volume 2, Canada House of Commons (1888): "I do not know what assurance can be given that people can be guaranteed that they do not get shafted, to the favour of some other group."

Hysterian Assertion #3- Footman Thomas Barrow, played by Rob James-Collier, used the words "get knotted" in the October 9 episode

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in: The Westminster Review, Volume 124, Page 402 (1885): In foreign affairs, when they get knotted, a Special Commissioner is appointed to report upon the situation, and to advise as to means of unravelling the tangled skein of affairs.

Hysterian Assertion #4- Head housemaid Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) told John Bates (Brendan Coyle) in last week's drama set in 1917 "So everything in the garden is rosy?"

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Fraser's magazine, Volume 19 By Thomas Carlyle, page 606 (1879): He looked so rosy, so cheerful, so placid, such a picture of rewarded philosophy and virtue, surely he must be the happiest of mortals.

From: Vanity Fair: A novel without a hero, By William Makepeace Thackeray, Page 95, (1845): The honest Irish maid-servant, delighted with the change, asked leave to kiss the face that had grown all of a sudden so rosy.

From: The complete works of William Shakespeare By William Shakespeare, Johnson: Page 556, (1863): Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd, And pray'd me, oft, forbearance: did it with A pudenc-y so rosy, the sweet view on't Might vvelghave warm'd old Saturn; that I thought er As chaste as unsunn'd snow :—O, all the devils! (And Shakespeare actually wrote this over 200 years earlier!)

 

Hysterian Assertion #5- "... some viewers have baulked at the use of the word "boyfriend", as well as the concept of a "professional woman", which is used to describe a maid who wants to leave domestic service to become a secretary." We find the latter half of that statement most amusing, as there are so many, many references to the term "professional women" in newspapers and in books from the 1800s. Too many to choose from, so we picked the cream of the crop, and they are as follows...

Historian Actuality We will gladly cite all of them for any readers asking, but we feel that the article in an 1898 New York Times, referencing the spirited ongoing debate in the pages of U.K.'s The Daily Telegraph, titled "Should Wives Work?  Opinions of English Men & Women-What an American Woman Thinks About It" quite plainly spells it out, especially in the sixth paragraph in Part 1 posted here.  It quotes a British reader's comment in The Daily Telegraph, "Several professional women, talking sensibly of the subject, say that their business life will make them more careful in the choice of a husband ..."

Or then there is the article from New Zealand's The Auckland Star newspaper from 1899.  One of the paragraphs in a story by a London correspondent on the recent happenings at The International Women's Congress, London July 14 is actually titled "The Professional Woman".

So it makes us wonder what exactly qualifies contributors to be called "historians".  Demita Usher and I wouldn't dare refer to ourselves as "historians".  There is so much we do not know.  However, we are "history enthusiasts" and we certainly loved Downton Abbey here across the pond.  It is with great anticipation that we wait to watch the second season of the program, and in the meantime, comments made by your historians, or "hysterians" if you will, have kept us entertained while we wait.

But don't fret Great Britain, as I also stumbled onto this headline; Kate Middleton Named 2011's Best-Mannered Person, Kim Kardashian Slammed as "Most Ill-Mannered" Kudos to Kate!

COURTSHIP: Out of the Mouths of Babes

It's hard to believe these days instead of these little romantic cute dances all they have is grinding, bad words, disrespect,.... shaking...ugh. I'm 14 and I want my prom to be like this... :(

-A You Tube Commenter

The above comment was posted by a 14 year old girl  in regards to the YouTube clip from the movie "Saturday Night Fever" . John Travolta's character is dancing with his partner to the Bee Gees song, "More than a woman". It is a very romantic dance indeed, a simple dance with no sexual overtones.  In the midst of  (in my humble opinion) an oversexualized society where sex sells everything, here is a young lady born at the end to the 1990's who is sad that there is no sincere romantic exchange between men and women, just simulated sex on the dance floor. For her to make that comment is very telling of the kind of interaction she has either witnessed or experienced in her young life. A fourteen year old should not have to experience this type of sadness for something so early in her life.  She is not alone, a month earlier another commenter simply said this:
this is my dream prom night.... 

Wow, I am speechless! She said this is what she dreamed of for her prom, she did not speak of her dress, or the limo, or the party, but the essence of  romance she saw in this clip from a 33 year old movie. Is it possible that many  young people are tired of the garbage that has been fed to them in the name of being with the times and having more freedom? While I am sure they are not asking to go back 100 years, it is apparent that they want some of the elements of courtship and romance restored.

It is not just the girls who feel something is missing, young men are expressing the same sorrow. My 22 year old cousin has spoken to me on more than one occasion that he wished girls were more interested in being courted instead of immediately wanting to take the interaction to an "adult" level so soon after meeting. My guess is thinking they know what the guy is probably expecting, they jump the gun not presenting an opportunity for the possibility of something wonderfully different, the chance to be romanced and  they rob the young men who genuinely want the opportunity to express it.

I wonder how long it is going to take for adults/parents to see that not all young people desire to be a friend with benefits. Maybe, just maybe they want to learn about  those so called "old fashioned, out of date" values that are ridiculed by those who are out of touch with what is really important to people.