Charm School Fridays : How to walk Properly

Great Clothes without a great walk is a disaster!

I have a friend who was always identified as an American woman by the local men when she traveled abroad to Italy and France. Curious as to how the always new she was American before she ever spoke to them, she asked them how they knew, "American women walk like men, not women," they replied. Wow that's very telling! This got me to thinking, is how we walk just as important as our focus on walking to get were going? I decided to dig through my old charm books from a bygone era, and see what they have to say about a woman's walk and I wonder if we can  still apply these techniques today with or without books on our head? The following information I found in a charm school book from 1962. 

As pointed out by a friend, undergarments like corsets and girdles affected how women walked. When this book was published, however, corset or not, I strongly feel we need to amend how we walk today because there is something to be said for a woman walking gracefully while getting to where she needs to go.

Chart For Correct Foot Position

One could use a piece of chalk or a strip of tape to create a straight line for practice

Top 10 Tips for a graceful walk

1.The body must be correctly aligned with the back as straight as possible. To start, the knee bone should be over the ankle bone, the hipbone over the knee bone, shoulder bone over the hipbone and the head over all. Maintain this torso alignment while the legs are in motion.

2.The step should be no longer in your own foot so that the distance between the heel of the forward foot and the toe of the back foot this not exceed the length of the foot. Do not reach for your steps and do not mince along.

3. The toes should point straight ahead or be turned slightly outward as models and dancers walk.

4  There should be no perceptible change of weight from one foot to the other. This can be best achieved by keeping the weight on the balls of the feet and by "pushing off" with the ball of the back foot.

5. The knees are kept flexed so that they may act as the "spring" for the body to give a smooth, glide appearance.

6. One foot is placed directly in front of the other on one line. This method gives a feminine look and when done with balance and grace night be called "showgirls walk."

7. The legs swing forward from the waistline so that the hips also move forward and forward. They do not move from side to side, nor do they undulate. This avoids hosiery rub. When the right leg comes forward, the right hip comes forward.

8.The arms move in opposition to the feet for balance so that when the right foot is forward, the left arm swings forward and vice versa. The hand should swing forward to the toe and backward to the heel. The more vigorous the walk, the more vigorous the hand swing.

9. The arms should swing relaxed from the shoulders with the elbows held fairly close to the body but not tight. They should remain relaxed should not bend as the arm comes forward.

10. Float from the waistline up, Walk from the waistline down. They head, shoulders and upper torso move forward smoothly as though disconnected from the rest of the body. The control of the walk comes from the mid-driff, and the leg moves forward from the waistline.

From here on out, your success will depend upon practicing the foregoing techniques until you have a "naturally" beautiful walk.

Your walk tells a great deal about you. It reveals carelessness, timidity, shyness, aggressiveness; for it can bespeak the loveliness of you. It is worthwhile to learn "to walk in beauty."

From the Book, University Beauty College Guide to Beauty Charm Poise

A Reader asks "Can being right be wrong?"

 

:

Hi Ms. Usher,

My girlfriend reads your blog and suggested I write you for some advice about a situation at my job. I work in an office with a bunch of guys and it's pretty laid back. There's a  guy on our team who seems to go out of his way to piss some of  us off. Whenever we talk about stuff, he has to find a way to make himself the top dog in the discussion and the rest of us look like idiots.  If one of us  says a basketball player missed about 18,000 shots in his career, he will jump in the conversation and ,say "this basketball player actually missed 17,285 shots 5,253 of which were  free throw misses." He does this all the time to the point of arguing like there is a prize if he wins, but one situation had us all ready to let this guy have it. One of the ladies in our IT department just came back from her honeymoon in Hawaii. She was showing pictures  to everyone and he started in on her about how Maui is a popular honeymoon location, what's the big deal, people go there all the time, it is not really an exotic place. He really upset her with all of his "stats" about her honeymoon destination. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this guy? We have to work with him everyday and he does his job but this one thing makes us want to take him outside and pound him. We are not always right (no one is) but we are not stupid either and we are really tired of his bulls***.

Ty

Dear Ty,

Thank you for your question,  I understand people wanting to set the record straight , but when a person is always in the mode of correcting people or having to prove they are "right", it can do more harm than good sometimes. I am not sure what your co-workers motive is perhaps he just wants to feel important and knowledgeable, unfortunately it is at the expense of others  and he  has no idea he is isolating people. I agree with you, nobody likes to be made to feel like a prized idiot by a self appointed know-it-all. My suggestion would be to acknowledge his contribution but do not argue  or debate with him. Some suggested responses are as follows:

"Thanks I will keep that in mind."
"That's interesting."

"I see."

"Oh, OK"
"Thanks  for sharing that."

These responses offer no agreement with  him but it is a polite way of recognizing what he said and you can redirect the conversation back on course. (though you may want to still pound him). 

I hope that your co-worker will see how counterproductive his behavior is and stop doing it and hopefully the suggestions I made  will be a helpful aid in doing so.

Best of luck,

Demita

To my blog readers:

There is nothing wrong with bringing correction where there is error. However, a person should ask themselves three questions, "Is this the right time?" , "What will be gained by me saying something?" and "Is it really about me wining or expanding understanding?"
 
Dale Carnegie, the author of the classic book, "How to win friends and influence people" Shares a story in his book that for me drives the point home:

I was attending a banquet on night given in Sir Ross’s honor; and during the dinner, the man sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the quotation “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will.”The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible.  He was wrong.  I knew that. I knew it positively.  There couldn’t be the slightest doubt about it.  And so, to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him.  He stuck to his guns.  What?  From Shakespeare?  Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was from the Bible. And he knew it.The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted years to the study of Shakespeare.  So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr. Gammond.  Mr. Gammond listened,  kicked me under the table, and then said: “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is right it is from the Bible” On the way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond:  “Frank, you knew that quotation was from Shakespeare.”“Yes, of course,” he replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two.  But we were guests at a festive occasion my dear Dale.  Why prove to a man he is wrong?  Is that going to make him like you?  Why not let him save his face?  He didn’t ask for your opinion.  He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? (Pgs. 115,116)

 

 Though it was wrong for Mr. Gammond to agree with an error and even though Dale Carnegie was right, what could he have gained by winning? Nothing of importance and Mr. Gammond knew that.  His need to be right would have embarrassed the man in front of other guests, the man would have been humiliated, felt foolish the rest of the evening and what would always remain fresh in his mind would not be the correct information, but that Dale rebuked him in the presence of others by exposing his ignorance and making him fell small.

When we are "right", if the motive is not to bring out the best in others, then it can be for all intents and purposes be "wrong" This does not mean we co-sign with a clear error or lie, but how we present  the truth can make a difference in how it is perceived and received. I have a dear friend who is truly a man of few words. In group conversations, he quietly listened and would every so often share something that made us think and consider and sometimes his humble suggestion brought "correction".

To appear well informed, I am sad to say I have made the mistake of being more motivated to be right than to share out of humility and sincereity. I have learned to use the phrases I shared with Ty more often, especially if it is not the right time or place to discuss it further or the person is not open to  what I have to say. I have come to realize that I  gain nothing by making the other person feel foolish even if I am "right".

Manners Monday: A.R.K- Act of Real Kindness

On a flight from Detroit to Los Angeles, actress Amy Adams quietly gave her first-class seat to an American serviceman who had been booked in coach.

Jemele Hill , co-host of ESPN2's Numbers Never Lie tweeted about Ms. Adams act of kindness with quickly went viral.

"I just thought it was incredibly classy and thoughtful," Hill said. "I already was a fan of hers, but now I'm a bigger one after today,"

And so am I, Kudos to you Amy for making one solider's ride to his destination a more comfortable one.

For Crying Out Loud

 

I think if you want to be edgy and counterculture now, just have manners and etiquette. It will blow people away. Sad but true.

 

-Aundrea Love

Vintage Model

For Crying Out Loud

You can get through life with bad manners, but it is easier with good ones. -Lillian Gish, Actress (1893-1993)

Profiles In Manners and Public Displays of Social Graces

Cayden Taipalus

Howell, Michigan (located halfway between Detroit and Lansing) is a town of about 9,500 people. It’s a lower-middle-class working community, where men leave every day to support their families, and women find work in the industries that will have them. Fewer than 4% of Howell residents live below the poverty line, but those who do find that Howell knows how to take care of its own. At least, they do if one little boy is any example of the town’s spirit.

Some time back, 8-year-old Cayden Taipalus stood in the school lunch line at Challenger Elementary, and witnessed a fellow student receive a “sandwich” comprised of two slices of dry bread and a single, thin slice of cheese. Cayden, his own tray heaped with a school-spec but hot lunch, shared his classmate’s pain and disappointment. The classmate’s school lunch account was more than $5 in the negative, and in Michigan, that means an “alternative” lunch.

Something had to be done.

Cayden came home that day and told his mother, Amber Peters, of the cheese sandwich incident, and asked her if anything could be done. The two came up with “Pay it Forward — No Kid Goes Hungry.” According to Cayden, he just “wanted to help kids have a better lunch.”

Cayden began calling his friends and family, trying to raise money to pay off the school lunch accounts of the kids whose accounts were in the negative. After hitting Facebook and tapping all willing souls available, he hit the streets to raise more money, collecting cans and bottles, turning them in for the recycling fee. At the end of the drive, Cayden and his mother raised enough money to bring every delinquent student’s account back into the positive, enough for over 150 lunches at Challenger elementary prices.

He collected $64. And some change.

Excerpt from ABC News report

As this story shows, good manners is not just about being polite to others, it is also about caring for others. Good job Cayden!

Chinese New Year Etiquette

The Lunar New Year holiday is celebrated by many Asian cultures.  It is usually celebrated over a minimum three-day period to about fifteen days surrounding the first full moon of the year. Festivities begin the day before the full moon, the day of the full moon, and the day following the full moon.

The following are some of the practices that the Chinese community  in particular observe in preparation for the arrival of the new year:

1.      Settle  all debts before the new year. The goal of settling ones debts is to begin the New Year with a clean slate  and to have sufficient funds available to provide all that will be needed to ensure a joyus celebration  will be had by all.
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2.      A thorough house cleaning. This is done before the new year to make sure that you do not sweep away any good luck.

3.      Use special paper greetings, flowers, and fruits to decorate your home.  Greeting cards and good luck symbols are tied on a blooming tree along with an abundance of fragrant flowers and fruits.  It is believed the more abundant the tree is with these  beautiful items, the more good luck the family will experience in the New Year

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4.      New clothes for the New Year. This signified starting the new year off with a clean slate. ( the color red is considered a lucky color)

5.      Celebrating the new year is a family affair with plenty of food and drink. This time is used to heal and reconcile and strengthen relationships as we transition into the New Year. Make sure all your favorite dishes, plus a few traditional are in abundance. Running water during the first day in the New Year is frowned upon because doing so denies  the earth and water a day of rest.

6.      Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to all! Everyone becomes a year older with the New Year, no matter when your birthday is celebrated . Give children red “Lai See” envelopes with “good luck” money inside. This tradition is also used for many other festive occasions, in lieu of modern gift-giving practices. (Instructions for Lai See Etiquette are listed below)

7.      Honor Your Ancestors. Have photos of family members and loved ones on display that have passed away.  It is unfortunate they cannot be there in person with you, so honor them by holding them in remembrance.

8.      Cook, Cook, Cook, And Cook some more!  As your favorite places may be closed on New Years Day, because others in the Asian community are also celebrating, make sure you have plenty of food to last three days!

9.      Visit family, friends and build new friendships. The first day in the New Year is spent with your immediate family, the second day is often spent with good friends and special guests.  Modern traditions dictate that the third day be spent celebrating  with teachers and business associates.This is also a great opportunity to create new friendships and start the new year off together.

10.  Pay significant attention to your actions. Recognize  the first acts you perform in the New Year. Displays of anger, lying, raising your voice, indecent language and breaking anything during the first three days of the New Year is forbidden, especially the first day.

Hopefully these tips will help you celebrate with your friends in the Asian community and enjoy the wonderful traditions that accompany them.

新年快樂

Happy New Year!

Lai See Etiquette (From Geo Expat.com)

During Chinese New Year, and stretching into the following week, you may notice a flurry of red envelopes being exchanged almost everywhere you go. These fancy little red envelopes, called "lai see", are packets that contain good luck money. Giving lai see to people is a big part of Chinese New Year celebrations, so you don't want to miss out on giving (or receiving!) them in the following couple of weeks.

But giving lai see is not like handing out candy to children on Halloween (unless you're one of those grumps who don't like giving treats to the kids without costumes). There's a set of rules you have to abide by when giving out lai see.

Locals give out lai see like it's second nature to them, but in fact, there are different amounts distinguished for different people and people with different marital statuses and also people with different job positions. Starting to feel a little weary about this whole business? You'll get the hang of it once you understand proper lai see etiquette.

Lai see is bestowed from "big to small", "old to young", and "senior to junior". For example, if you are the boss or manager, you should give lai see to your employees. If you live in an apartment complex with its own management staff, you should give lai see to your security guard, cleaners, and doorman. Married couples also give to their single, younger relatives, and may give two lai see packets to each recipient (one from each spouse). If you are unmarried, you will usually only need to give one packet to each recipient.

You don't have to give lai see to everyone you know, but keep in mind that there is a chance you may forget somebody. People usually bring a pile of red envelopes with them whenever they go out, just in case they might bump into someone accidentally (and since this is Hong Kong, you probably w ill). It's best to keep a mixture of $10, $20, $50, and $100 envelopes on you to be ready at all times.The amount you put in the lai see is up to you, Use this handy guide to avoid any lai see faux-pas! Don’t forget to give and receive with both hands as this is regarded as a sign of courtesy. Also, never let children give out lai sees to older folk or service staff – this is considered insulting.

Who?	How Much?
Security guard / door man / building management team / cleaning staff	$20 - $50 per person, more if you’re in a smaller building with a single guard/cleaner
Helper / driver	$100 (for part-time helpers) - $500
Staff (if you’re the boss)	$50 - $500
Colleagues and friends	$20 - $100
Waitress or waiter/ barista / anyone who serves you regularly	$20 - $50
Hairdresser, manicurist, massage therapist, etc.	$50 - $100

For Crying Out Loud

 

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

 Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners. 

-Laurence Sterne

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/laurencest165818.html#zCLOcUqt5lx3Wstu.99

For Crying Out Loud

GOOD MANNERS WILL MAKE YOU FABULOUS!

 

-ANONYMOUS

Social Graces in History- Why men tip their hats

Seeing this can be very intimidating, I would want him to lift his mask to let me know his intent was friendly how about you?

When knights in medieval times wanted to express friendly intent, they would raise their face masks and reveal their faces. The practice of saluting is also derived from this practice the knights created.   Lifting one's armor mask eventually evolved into the custom of "tipping" one's hat to greet or acknowledge another, women  in particular. When knights would enter a building, removing their helmet signified a peaceful position, since a knight could not fight or defend himself without the helmet.  Since the removal of his helmet made him vulnerable, it informed others that combat or any type of violence was not his motive. This practice also evolved into the removal of one's hat when entering a building, when hearing the national anthem and in different situations where they would not be going back out in public immediately. Men would hold their hats in their hand when speaking with a lady but would put it back on when they began to walk together if out in public. It is amazing to see how these common courtesies have their roots in codes of conduct and communication from ancient practices to ensure a peaceful position was maintained in certain situations.

Imagine being a lady passing by and being treated to this!

For Crying Out Loud

If we fail to treat people with common decency and kindness, at the end of the day, they will not care how we lay our napkin in our lap or what fork we used. 

-Anonymous

 

Maxine Powell, Motown, Etiquette, Charm and todays entertainers

 

Maxine Powell 1915-2013
“I teach class, and class will turn the heads of kings and queens.”

“Mrs. Powell was always a lady of grace, elegance and style, and we did our best to emulate her. Every asset of my personality has been by her influence. Even to the end, she was making sure that I was standing with posture and exuberant grace.” ” -Martha Reeves

"She taught us all — men and women — etiquette, class and what you are supposed to do,"  Duke Fakir, Four Tops

"She gave us more than just the tools for the movements and the gowns, these were tools for us as human beings."- Mary Wilson, The Supremes 

“She was tough, but when she got through with them, they were poised, professional and very thankful.”- Berry Gordy Jr. Founder of Motown Records

Ms. Maxine Powell will be missed. You may ask who is Maxine Powell and why should she be missed? Well I will tell  you, better yet I will show you:

All that poise and elegance that you see displayed in this clip, the Supremes as well many other famous singers and singing groups  from the world renowned Motown label  can be attributed to Mrs. Powell's behind the scenes training and instruction. Ms. Powell stated the polished, well spoken stars of Motown  that some people saw on stage came from humble  beginings. Coming from the projects (low income housing) some were rude, crude and spoke with unacceptable language, but  by the time she was done with them one would never guess.

As the director of Motown's Artist Development Department, Mrs. Powell  taught and trained the artists for two hours a day whenever they were not on the road or recording. Her training covered proper conduct onstage and off: how to speak impeccably and stand erect, to glide instead of just  walking, how to sit  properly whether in a limousine or on a barstool. “A lady with class can sit on a garbage pail and look good,” Mrs. Powell she told the Supremes during a class. Although she was only with the company for five years, her influence is still felt by those who spoke fondly of her in life and at her passing. Mrs. Powell's career continued after she left Motown as she provided the same training  and instruction at the request of major corporations and spoke and lectured at different colleges, universities and events.

I wish I could have met this phenominal woman and drawn from her years of wisdom. I wonder what kind of impact she could have had on today's artists if they sat under her teaching. I find it very unfortunate that  many of today's entertainers give very little attention to their conduct and their stage presence and the people guiding their careers  seem to care even less. I am sure Mrs. Powell had seen some of the behavior of today's entertainers and given her high standard of excellence, I am sure she was appalled. It seems as long as it makes money, it is acceptable and as a result we have gone from this:

To THIS:

Mrs. Powell, thank you for the  gift of poise and sophistication you gave many of the artists I grew up listening to, you will be sorely missed.

Use Your words!!! The Abreviation Generation and the lost art of communication

Remember when mothers said "use your words" when kids would not speak clearly? I wonder if we need to  revisit that lesson. Now TV anchors are using abbreviations in their news reports. A sportscaster reporting on an athlete who was suspended said the reason why was because of P.E.D. I know P.E.D stands for performance enhancing drugs, but others might not. Can you imagine a person learning english watching the news trying to figure out what P.E.D. stands for?  PDA in the 90's stood for Personal Digital Assistant, now it means public displays of affection. A  colleague told me she has had to mention to candidates she was interviewing that "lol" does not belong in a resume or a cover letter.  I have a friend who has a colleague, a high school teacher who is at the brink of frustration because he is tired of grading homework papers from students  filled with text language. This generation has become the abbreviation generation where the English language is becoming a hodge podge of acronyms we use when we text and when we talk! God help us all!

Abbreviation communication is becoming a real problem in my opinion. Are we in that much of a rush that we and those we communicate with do not deserve a full conversation? Once in a while a quick abbreviated message in a rush is fine, but as  the norm, I find this completely unacceptable. If you have  more than a sentence or two, pick up the phone, meet up with the person or at the worst send an email (which is just one step above texting as far as I am concerned). I googled  text abbreviations and on some websites there are as many as 4 pages worth and new ones are being created all the time, I cannot keep up! There is even a pop group whose  name is based on a popular text acronym , LMAO  which stands for Laughing My A** Off. Can we go back to the days when groups had  decent sounding names even if it was a state or a city (Kansas, Boston, Chicago),The family name (The Jacksons, The Osmonds, Jonas Brothers), or something safe and fun sounding (Culture Club, The Rolling Stones, The Jets, N'SYNC, One Direction) with real talent, but that is for another discussion. 

The concern I have with  this abbreviation disease is that it is harmful to our communication and social skills. Cris Rowan, a pediatric occupational therapist, States  that our ability to communicate and connect is being greatly affected.

"We're seeing very, very young children being given these devices to soothe them and to entertain them, and it's displacing the connection with the parent," said Rowan. "We're seeing escalating diagnoses of all sorts of mental illness in children. And when we think of what is mental illness -- it's children that aren't happy and aren't well-adjusted."

ABritish neuroscientist warned that Internet use may be rewiring our brains and leading to attention deficits. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder concerns Rowan in addition to the possibility that children are growing up becoming more detached from other people as they grow up.

"As children and parents are attaching more and more to technology, they're detaching from each other, and we know as a species we need to connect," Rowan said. "We're really pack animals. We need to be connected to other human beings. That's just a fact for any living organism; it doesn't do well when it's on its own." 

The ability to manage our own emotions and behavior is being undermined,  as well. 

"These children are not entertaining themselves, they're being entertained by a device so there's no creativity, there's no imagination, no self-initiation," Rowan said. "These things are very, very important for sustainability and your own self-gratification and happiness when you're older."

100 years ago, you had to talk to people face to face as written correspondence could take a long time by mail and was only used when absolutely necessary or they had personal servants to deliver messages, 30-50 years ago, you had to communicate face to face, by phone or in writing and people usually used full complete sentences. Today people break up with their boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, or terminate employment over text message. I recently had an office assignment where the guy who hired me had his assistant notify me by text that my services were no longer needed as they hired a permanent employee for the job, no phone call, no meeting in the office, nothing! (How is that for professional?). Is texting technology creating a group of cowards who cannot deal with human beings face to face anymore?

While abbreviating everything my seem cool, what will this say about us to the rest of the global village? We are becoming more globally connected  we need to present ourselves like we have some common sense! A businessman running a multi million dollar business here or abroad is not going to be looking at someone who cannot communicate in full sentences with clarity and articulation.  LMAO may sound funny when you are 15, but what about as an adult looking for a job or trying to communicate with potential clients for  your business? I also speak to the adults who utilize this form of communication on a regular basis, it is time to go back to basics, we know better!!! I fear for this generation and the older adults who use this as their primary means of communication; they are going to be left behind if they do not take the time to expand their vocabulary and exercise it. Put  down the androids, IPODs IPADS, IPHONES, and  other electronic devices and talk to each other!!! Sometimes the things we have to say will be uncomfortable (like a break up or a job termination), but we owe it to ourselves and those we interact with. Give to others and demand of others the benefit of a full  rich conversation abbreviation free.

Stay connected to your humanity and the humanity of others, tell the whole story, speak in complete sentences, USE YOUR WORDS!

Healthy Competition and Political correctness: What is causing the damage?

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 A recent article reports that a librarian at a New York Library wants to ban a student from participating in a book reading contest because he has won the contest 5 times in a row. The child followed all the rules but the problem according to the librarian is that the other kids get discouraged and drop out. I am deeply disturbed that we are becoming a nation that cannot handle the challenges of healthy competition. In this life we will face competition on one level or another so it would be best if we learned those lessons as early as possible.

The commenters were no better in responding to this story. I found  some of these responses absolutely disgusting! If this child followed the rules, did what he was supposed to do, then he won fair and square. Should he be responsible if  other kids decided to drop out?  He did not bully or threaten them to not read, the decision to drop out lies with them no matter what the  reason. One commenter said that the child should be "Gracious" and step aside and let another kids get a chance to win. Excuse me?? Well welcome to the politically correct generation where if your kid does not  make the cut then we need to get rid of the excelling kid that is standing in his or her way.  Even if we have to try to get them killed like the Texas Cheerleader mom.

When I was this child's age in the late 1970's if you did not win, you tried  again. Our parents did not threaten to shoot someone or sue the school. They did speak up if there were unfair practices going on, but if it was a fair and square loss, we had to suck it up. They let us cry or pout for a moment, then it was time to move on. Nowadays, competition is a bad word,  and if anyone makes our child feel bad about themselves, then we sue the school! We have to give every kid a trophy because after all "everybody is a winner" why? because the silence of somenone's defeat is a sound we cannot bear to hear. In this life we win  and we lose and these parents and some of these commenters have lost touch with that and as a result we have a generation of kids who have no endurance power through setbacks, defeats, and failure. Not winning is a bitter pill to swallow, I understand, really.  One defeat amongst others I have experienced was that I was the first runner-up in the Miss Plus America Pageant a few years ago. I wanted that crown on my head badly! No one practices and prepares to be 1st runner up in anything, you prepare and practice to WIN, but sometimes it is not in the cards and you have to move on. When those times come when you are in the victory circle, victory is sweet, savor the moment fully, but we have to be ready win or lose and be gracious about it.

If an athlete at the Olympics wins in a competition more than once, the Olympic committee does not say to them " well you have to be gracious and step down and let Bulgaria, Russia, and Japan have a shot at it." NOPE Bulgaria and the rest have to keep at it until they place, but in our entitled self serving world, our solution in dealing with defeat  when  theere is a kid ahead  of our kid in the bike race of life is to get rid of  the other kid by trying to get them disqualified, accuse him of using steroids, cheating, having a better bike, flatten their tires, etc.  to get him  or her out of the way by any means necessary. It seems today that many parents would rather dole out blame than hold their child to a higher standard of excellence. The better way to help our kids  is to help them prepare and practice harder to win in their own right and win or lose display good sportsmanship in the process.

Respectable Disagreements: Can we agree to disagree?

Many people criticize the president harshly. They criticize from every side, but most of the people who criticize don't even participate fully in the political process. And almost nobody realizes how difficult it is to negotiate with people who have a hundreds of conflicting demands that all represent AMERICA. WE are AMERICA. Only we can make the changes that we seek. No president can or ever has been able to make changes on completely his own. Its never possible to please all the people all the time. If we disagree with our president, it should be done with respect, the same respect that we hope to receive ourselves, no matter what our particular views happen to be.

-Gabriel Angelo, Age 14

Gabriel With President Obama

The statement above was expressed by a talented young musician who has met the President in person and had the opportunity to perform for him. There were those who chalked up his statement to his being young, idealistic and not of age to vote to really understand what politics are really about. You do not have to be an adult with tons of votes under your belt to recognize the importance of respecting one another, even when you do not agree. I found Gabriel's statement well expressed and expressed with a wisdom and insight well beyond his years, a mature viewpoint I do not see in many adults these days.



This post is not in favor of or against the President, leader or any political affiliation, but to address the importance to respect people in positions of leadership. Respect does not mean  agreement, it simply means  we respect the position they hold while we do not adhere to their views or convictions. Any of us who have held or holds a position of influence be it as a parent, teacher, pastor, office manager, congressman, etc. knows it is not easy to lead and make decisions that will benefit people at large. To be under the constant scrutiny of people criticizing every move you make, leveling insults and put downs are never considering the impact of their words and/or actions.

Another colleague of mine mentioned that leaders set the example by the way they treat other leaders and I could not agree more. When you are in a position of influence, people are watching you, they will many times follow your lead and any action or deed can be taken out of context and grossly mis-understood. I recall the photograph of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer that went viral of her pointed finger in the face of the President. To this day it was not made clear what the exchange was really about in that moment though there has been much speculation, but once the photo went viral,  there were some people all too happy to "high five" the governor for what they perceived to be her "putting him in his place". Some also expressed disappointment at the gesture and did not support it at all. Gov Brewer has stressed over and over that she would never disrespect the office of the President, but the body language captured in that photo seemed to give a different impression and some people the permission to support their perceived sentiment whether it was true or not whether it was right or not.

Our body language speaks louder than our words!

I am appalled at the horrible treatment I see people give those in leadership local, national, or global and those who do not agree with their views. Social media has become a cheap way for people  to do expensive damage to people's name and reputation all  in the name of free speech. I do not believe that freedom of speech was implemented to that we could attack and slander people we do dislike or disagree with. It was platform by which people were given the privilege to speak  and to disagree respectfully without fear of retaliation or punishment. Sadly many have set themselves up as judge,jury, and executioner in the court of public opinion to do it to others and the ramifications are far reaching way beyond the printed page of old. Now it is around the world in a matter of seconds thanks to the internet!

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Gabriel made a profound statement, "We are all America" in that all inclusive statement, that means we all have different views and experiences. The child raised in a single parent home is going to see life differently than the child raised in a two parent home. The man who has lived a life of advantage  and privilege will see the world differently than a man who has to work 60 hour weeks just to make rent and bills for his family. A Black , White, Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, etc. all see life from a different perspective so of course what is important to us is going to vary yet we expect those in charge to view the world from our unique standpoint, it does not work that way. We have to leave room for other people to see things differently, (this does not include the clear boundaries of right and wrong  such as lying,stealing, cheating,  killing, etc.) and respect their perspective on matters of importance.

 If we disagree with our president, it should be done with respect, the same respect that we hope to receive ourselves, no matter what our particular views happen to be.

The final part of Gabriel's statement voices the very essence of what etiquette and social graces should be about and that is  the golden rule, treating others as we would want to be treated. He also drew attention to the fact that if we want to see change, we have to take responsibility and  work together respectfully to obtain it.  We all want respect  even if others do not  always agree with us, should we not afford others the same privilege without insult, ridicule or disrespect where it is rightfully merited?

Comedy, Satire, Freedom of Speech, and degrading a minor; when is enough, enough?

  Quvenzhane' Wallis- 2013  

Academy Award Best Actress Nominee 

and The youngest nominee in history

 

Ok I am familiar with the online publication "The Onion" and it's reputation for it's biting commentary and envelope pushing satire. I admit I did not actively follow their activity, until a particular statement posted on their twitter account ast night made me take notice (and not in a good way). It seems one of their writers got the bright idea that it would be funny to call 9 year old Academy Award best actress nominee Quvenshane' Wallis the c word (a vulgar word for a woman's private parts). What followed was a flood of outrage from the public, including some celebrities causing the powers that be to quickly pull the tweet and hastily issue an apology.  In the midst of the powers that be doing damage control, some of the former writers for The Onion felt differently and one of the editors in particular had this to say:

"‪It shows they don't have faith in the writers, or in their public. ‬It looks worse that they took [the tweet] down," one former Onion editor, Joe Garden, told BuzzFeed.
"My reaction was, 'It wasn't a great joke, but big deal,'" Garden said. "I saw where they were going, and the commentary was about the media construct and the Oscar hype in general. But the tweet was shocking for the sake of shocking, but I think that [taking it down] was not the way to handle it."

I am appalled that people can be so cavalier about leveling a derogatory comment (and a sexual one at that) at a child and their emotional reaction is not one of regret or remorse, but anger at the heads of the company for taking measures to issue an apology and make amends.  Then to add insult to injury they level the accusation that  the company heads do not trust their writers enough to let such a scathing comment stand. The truth is, is that they misread their audience and were not prepared for the backlash.The concept of humor and satire is not lost on me, but there are times when the line has been crossed, and people need to be called on it and this is clearly one of those times. There is nothing funny about what was said and Miss Wallis was owed an apology even if the originator of this insult was unwilling to give it.  I applaud Mr. Hannah for issuing the following statement (in the name of damage control, I know) in response to such a disrespectful action:

Feb. 25, 2013

Dear Readers,
On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the tweet that was circulated last night during the Oscars. It was crude and offensive—not to mention inconsistent with The Onion’s commitment to parody and satire, however biting. No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire. The tweet was taken down within an hour of publication. We have instituted new and tighter Twitter procedures to ensure that this kind of mistake does not occur again. In addition, we are taking immediate steps to discipline those individuals responsible. Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry.
Sincerely,
Steve Hannah
CEO
The Onion

 Quvenzhane' and Ben Affleck

I grew up listening to different comedians and their material ranged from safe to edgy. I have heard them use heads of state, famous people, infamous people, for their comedic material,but never once did I ever hear any of them use such a remark against any of the people they cracked jokes on and NEVER directed any of it at a child. As Mr. Hannah stated, she is a talented young girl, she does deserve better and she deserves to be respected! Its crass, irresponsible behavior like this that makes me wish the Hayes Office was still around because they held people to a certain standard. By today's standard the Hayes Office would probably seem too strict for the taste of many. That may be true but they held people accountable for their behavior for morality sake, something that is sorely lacking today unless a lawsuit is involved. One comedy writer  from that era said that he actually learned to appreciate the Hayes Office because it made him a better writer. It does not take a brilliant mind to be vile and disgusting, anybody can do that, but to be genuinely funny without being degrading to anyone is truly a gift and it can be done, the lasting power of  shows like"I love Lucy" and comedians like Bill Cosby is proof of that.


The fact of the matter is, that these people do not know her, so how can they be so disrespectful is beyond me. The freedom of speech that the founding fathers of this country spoke of  was not so that adult men and women could use that freedom to insult and belittle a child (or anyone) in hopes to get a laugh in the name of being edgy. It was given so that people could speak the truth with out fear and I can safely say that calling Quvenzhane' the c word is not the truth. 

I also applaud the celebrities and the public at large for speaking up and letting these writers know that their "humor" was not acceptable and your voice made them remove that tweet within an hour of being posted. The writers assumed because in times past that their audience laughed with them,  that anything goes and they can say and do anything without consequence, you suggested otherwise. You represented what "freedom of  speech" is truly about  and that is to not only stand for truth, but to speak up for those who are being attacked by those who use their "freedom" to speak to harm or inflict injury on others. If we continue to speak out, then maybe these writers will finally get the message that while freedom of speech is respected, the abuse of that freedom will not be tolerated.