Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Profiles in Manners and Social Graces

Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington

Duke's mother Daisy surrounded him with dignified women to reinforce his manners and teach him the importance of living elegantly. His childhood friends noticed that his mannerisms and dapper dress gave him the persona of a young nobleman and  they began to address him as  Duke!


Parents and Social Graces: What Legacy are we leaving?



A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children
-Hebrew Proverb

Inheritance-the acquisition of a possession, condition, or trait from past generations
-Websters dictionary


In a previous post, I shared a clip from the 1995 movie "Blast from the past" about a man named Adam who lived in an underground bomb shelter with his parents from his birth until  the age of 35. His parents raised him with 1950's values so when he came above ground (after the time-lock was released) he was a polite, respectful man that was looked upon as strange and out of touch in the rude but pro politically correct 1990's. He meets Eve and her friend Troy who help him adjust to life above ground and to help bring his parents above ground as well. In the process Eve expresses annoyance to Troy about Adam's "perfect table manners". Troy shares with Eve that Adam's parents taught him proper social graces and he never received that type of training from his own parents. This portion of the movie was very telling and points to a very serious problem,  it seems that many parents today are not passing down the legacy of good manners and proper conduct to their children. Is it possible the reason is that their parents did not pass it on to them? or that they feel such practices are outdated and antiquated? 


According to Webster's dictionary an inheritance is more than money and possessions, it is also traits and characteristics that are passed down. I pose a question, what are we leaving to future generations besides money and possessions? Are we leaving them with the skills to treat themselves and others well without which the money and possesions have no lasting value?

Parents are extremely important in the shaping of how their children perceive and interact in the world. They are the  ones who not only do the first introductions for their children on this planet, they are the first role models and are responsible for what they allow their children to be influenced by and what they are influenced by will reflect in their behavior. A colleague of mine took her grandsons to her neighborhood park recently and a bully tried to beat up one of her grandsons. When she intervened to break up the tussle, the father of the bully came over and was going to assault her. The only thing that stopped him was several men in the park stood up  and he backed off, took his son by the hand, walked off scolding him that  he should have finished the boy off.  It does not take much to see that the boy was a bully because his father was a bully and he will not do very well in life if his answer is to mistreat others to get his way. 

 I recently assisted Maura Graber, Founder of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette  with a private class for three elementary school children. In speaking with the parents, it was very apparent that  they wanted their children to succeed and do well and these classes were an investment in their future. Maura shared with me that she has received numerous calls and letters over the years from parents and students thanking her for her classes and the impact of having proper manners and social graces had on their lives. One young man who is now an attorney shared that the lessons on dining etiquette came in handy as his law firm participates in many formal dinner events. Another young man recently married, thanked his parents at his wedding reception for sending him to etiquette classes because he was able to impress his future in-laws with his politeness and in assisting them in setting the table. 

Parents also by their own conduct and behavior can also leave a legacy that benefits their children. Pastor Joel Osteen shared how years earlier his parents were courteous and kind to the new chief of the sheriff's department of their town. They invited him to dinner, offered counsel and support and years later when Joel was trying to obtain the Compaq Stadium for his growing congregation, this same man who was no longer the Chief, but the Mayor of their town was influential in helping them obtain the property. Joel's parents kind and courteous behavior towards this man paved the way for Joel to receive a favorable outcome.

Either way you look at it, these parents planted  seeds that reaped a bountiful harvest in their children's future successes and if their children continue the legacy, their grandchildren will benefit as well.......

........................and that is a rich inheritance that any parent no matter what their social standing can leave .



Where did that come from?

The custom of a man tipping his hat to a woman was derived from a custom of knights in  full armor who would raise their awnings  when they met each other on the road to identify if the other was a friend or an enemy. When hats became a part of a man's daily attire, tipping his hat was the evolution from raising the awning.



The custom of a man walking on the outside of the sidewalk and his wife/female companion walking on the inside of the sidewalk was due to the fact in European towns before indoor plumbing and a proper sewage system was available, people dumped their trash and waste water in the gutter and a woman's clothes could get splashed so this was the man's way of protecting her clothes from ruin.