Your manners are the printed page by which people read what you are inside.
-Dr. Frank Clark
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Social Disgrace in social media- The death of modesty.
"Eccentricity must be avoided by those who desire to excel in the art of conversation. A Style that is extreme or odd from it's very conspicuousness call forth remarks. Neglected personal appearance has vitiating influence in conversation no less than in manners...Appropriateness of dress is of prime consideration."
From the book: Our Manners at home and Abroad (1888)
From the book: Our Manners at home and Abroad (1888)
A colleague of mine posted on her blog an admonishment to women to stop posting racy photographs of themselves on their social media pages and on line dating websites. She tried to encourage women that they are more than their bodies and that the clothing they wore (or the lack thereof) was sending the wrong message. For the most part women were supportive of the message but there were a few that opposed her message stating that by pointing out this problem , she was shaming women and accusing them of being women with "loose morals" so to speak. I read the comments and I can attest that this lady was not "shaming" anyone, they were shaming themselves with these photographs they voluntarily posted on their pages for all to see, but sadly the loud cries of being a killjoy drowned out the voices of reason.
The women also demonstrated an attitude of entitlement that they should be treated well no matter what they were wearing and it is simply untrue and sadly the 21st century has made us more visual than ever and alot more judgemental of what we see. I remember as a young woman in high school seeing the press conference that 1984 Miss America Vanessa Williams had to conduct and resign her title due to some nude photos that she posed for shortly before she was crowned. Ms. Williams did not display an a defiant stance, she admitted to a lapse in judgement as a struggling college student, graciously relinquished the crown and set about to repair her damaged reputation and 27 years later she is a successful singer and actress. Although those photographs will be a permanent chapter in her life, she courageously refuses to let it define her. In her professional career, she also owns the choice and displays her talents in music and television projects that do not exploit her image.
I know there are some that may use her example as proof that we don't have to let those images define us and we can rise above it, but my question is why present images of yourself that will create challenges down the road for you unnecessarily? Ms. Williams by her own admission has stated that overcoming that scandal took alot of hard work and determination. I fear today that if a young woman today had to deal with that same situation Ms. Williams faced, there would be no blushing or embarrassment , she would stand by her decision and would not apologize. If she did feel embarrassment, there would be plenty of women's groups to suggest otherwise stating that she had the "right" and no one has the right to criticize her freedom of expression. As a reward, she would probably get a book deal, a reality show and be marketed as an "example" to young girls everywhere of positive body consciousness. It seems that now days, that modesty has died and no one attended the funeral.
The aforementioned quote makes it very clear that what you wear on your body (or don't wear) can elevate or undermine what is spoken out of your mouth. I pray these young women (and men) understand this before those images could come back to haunt them down the road and testify against them. For those of us who are a little older, we in our youth have made choices we are not proud of I am sure but in the 21st century where the internet, photoshopping and other technological advances make it easier to form an opinion about someone based on the imaging presented, I believe it to be wise to admonish young children and adults that things they view as harmless today can damage their image and/or reputation years from now and they may not have 27 years to get it right.
Postscript: I have read some blog comments from people who defend a woman's right to post sexualy racy photos of themselves (which they are free to do) on different social media sites like facebook as not a big deal, we should not shame a woman etc. but this company started about a year ago reviews peoples social media pages as part of the background check. A woman may be smart with a degree, but just might lose that great job opportunity because of a shot she put on her page of her wearing just undergarments! Something to think about......
http://www.socialintel.com/home
From their info page:
Social Intelligence Corp solely generates reports based on employer pre-defined criteria, both positive and negative. Negative examples include racist remarks or activities, sexually explicit photos or videos, and illegal activity such as drug use. Positive examples include charitable or volunteer efforts, participation in industry blogs, and external recognition.
The women also demonstrated an attitude of entitlement that they should be treated well no matter what they were wearing and it is simply untrue and sadly the 21st century has made us more visual than ever and alot more judgemental of what we see. I remember as a young woman in high school seeing the press conference that 1984 Miss America Vanessa Williams had to conduct and resign her title due to some nude photos that she posed for shortly before she was crowned. Ms. Williams did not display an a defiant stance, she admitted to a lapse in judgement as a struggling college student, graciously relinquished the crown and set about to repair her damaged reputation and 27 years later she is a successful singer and actress. Although those photographs will be a permanent chapter in her life, she courageously refuses to let it define her. In her professional career, she also owns the choice and displays her talents in music and television projects that do not exploit her image.
I know there are some that may use her example as proof that we don't have to let those images define us and we can rise above it, but my question is why present images of yourself that will create challenges down the road for you unnecessarily? Ms. Williams by her own admission has stated that overcoming that scandal took alot of hard work and determination. I fear today that if a young woman today had to deal with that same situation Ms. Williams faced, there would be no blushing or embarrassment , she would stand by her decision and would not apologize. If she did feel embarrassment, there would be plenty of women's groups to suggest otherwise stating that she had the "right" and no one has the right to criticize her freedom of expression. As a reward, she would probably get a book deal, a reality show and be marketed as an "example" to young girls everywhere of positive body consciousness. It seems that now days, that modesty has died and no one attended the funeral.
The aforementioned quote makes it very clear that what you wear on your body (or don't wear) can elevate or undermine what is spoken out of your mouth. I pray these young women (and men) understand this before those images could come back to haunt them down the road and testify against them. For those of us who are a little older, we in our youth have made choices we are not proud of I am sure but in the 21st century where the internet, photoshopping and other technological advances make it easier to form an opinion about someone based on the imaging presented, I believe it to be wise to admonish young children and adults that things they view as harmless today can damage their image and/or reputation years from now and they may not have 27 years to get it right.
Postscript: I have read some blog comments from people who defend a woman's right to post sexualy racy photos of themselves (which they are free to do) on different social media sites like facebook as not a big deal, we should not shame a woman etc. but this company started about a year ago reviews peoples social media pages as part of the background check. A woman may be smart with a degree, but just might lose that great job opportunity because of a shot she put on her page of her wearing just undergarments! Something to think about......
http://www.socialintel.com/home
From their info page:
Social Intelligence Corp solely generates reports based on employer pre-defined criteria, both positive and negative. Negative examples include racist remarks or activities, sexually explicit photos or videos, and illegal activity such as drug use. Positive examples include charitable or volunteer efforts, participation in industry blogs, and external recognition.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Did you know?
for years to come and kept her nail biting habit from becoming a public display of bad manners!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
For crying out loud
If you talk about class and it's not a reference to a room where people are taught, you have none.
-Anderson Cooper
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Profiles in Manners
He was skilled swordsman, dancer and a gifted musician and composer that had regular "jam sessions" with Marie Antionette at her request. He gave Mozart a run for his money as well being affectionately called Le Mozart de Noir (the Black Mozart).Quite the gentleman,he was a regular guest at French Court and was known for his impeccable manners.
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Chevalier de Saint-George 1745-1799 |
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
RETRO-spective: Social graces in courtship and romance.
"If a gentleman approaches you with words of flattery, and profuse attentions, especially after a short aquaintence, extend no encouraging smile or word; for a flatterer can never be otherwise than an unprofitable companion. It is better by dignified composure, to appear not to notice, than, with smiles and blushes, to disclaim flattery; since these are considered as encouragements for further effusions of these "painted words"
-The Ladies Guide to Perfect Gentility
1856
The translation could not be any more clear! If a guy you barely know "comes on strong", he is up to no good, do not encourage him and ignore his bull manure! This tidbit of information demonstrates that very little has changed in over 150 years in the relationships between men and women. Men in the 21st century are still trying to flatter women into compromising situations and sadly the "game" seems to have not lost it's power!!!
BUT ladies, you are not off the hook, consider this advice from Louis Martines book of etiquette, 1866:
"Never triffle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of marked attentions from one whose affections you cannot return. Some young ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make....let this be far from you. If you see clearly that you have become the the object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your heart."
Again the message is clear, a woman is not to play games with the heart of a man who is interested in her but she is not interested in the man. She is to treat him with respect and be forthright with him considering how she would want to be treated by the man who captures her heart.
I wonder what the world would be like if men and women treated each other well in romantic situations, is it possible there would be fewer broken hearts in the world?
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