For Crying Out Loud

Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them. ~Bill Kelly

A Reader asks "Can being right be wrong?"

 

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Hi Ms. Usher,

My girlfriend reads your blog and suggested I write you for some advice about a situation at my job. I work in an office with a bunch of guys and it's pretty laid back. There's a  guy on our team who seems to go out of his way to piss some of  us off. Whenever we talk about stuff, he has to find a way to make himself the top dog in the discussion and the rest of us look like idiots.  If one of us  says a basketball player missed about 18,000 shots in his career, he will jump in the conversation and ,say "this basketball player actually missed 17,285 shots 5,253 of which were  free throw misses." He does this all the time to the point of arguing like there is a prize if he wins, but one situation had us all ready to let this guy have it. One of the ladies in our IT department just came back from her honeymoon in Hawaii. She was showing pictures  to everyone and he started in on her about how Maui is a popular honeymoon location, what's the big deal, people go there all the time, it is not really an exotic place. He really upset her with all of his "stats" about her honeymoon destination. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this guy? We have to work with him everyday and he does his job but this one thing makes us want to take him outside and pound him. We are not always right (no one is) but we are not stupid either and we are really tired of his bulls***.

Ty

Dear Ty,

Thank you for your question,  I understand people wanting to set the record straight , but when a person is always in the mode of correcting people or having to prove they are "right", it can do more harm than good sometimes. I am not sure what your co-workers motive is perhaps he just wants to feel important and knowledgeable, unfortunately it is at the expense of others  and he  has no idea he is isolating people. I agree with you, nobody likes to be made to feel like a prized idiot by a self appointed know-it-all. My suggestion would be to acknowledge his contribution but do not argue  or debate with him. Some suggested responses are as follows:

"Thanks I will keep that in mind."
"That's interesting."

"I see."

"Oh, OK"
"Thanks  for sharing that."

These responses offer no agreement with  him but it is a polite way of recognizing what he said and you can redirect the conversation back on course. (though you may want to still pound him). 

I hope that your co-worker will see how counterproductive his behavior is and stop doing it and hopefully the suggestions I made  will be a helpful aid in doing so.

Best of luck,

Demita

To my blog readers:

There is nothing wrong with bringing correction where there is error. However, a person should ask themselves three questions, "Is this the right time?" , "What will be gained by me saying something?" and "Is it really about me wining or expanding understanding?"
 
Dale Carnegie, the author of the classic book, "How to win friends and influence people" Shares a story in his book that for me drives the point home:

I was attending a banquet on night given in Sir Ross’s honor; and during the dinner, the man sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the quotation “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will.”The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible.  He was wrong.  I knew that. I knew it positively.  There couldn’t be the slightest doubt about it.  And so, to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him.  He stuck to his guns.  What?  From Shakespeare?  Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was from the Bible. And he knew it.The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted years to the study of Shakespeare.  So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr. Gammond.  Mr. Gammond listened,  kicked me under the table, and then said: “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is right it is from the Bible” On the way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond:  “Frank, you knew that quotation was from Shakespeare.”“Yes, of course,” he replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two.  But we were guests at a festive occasion my dear Dale.  Why prove to a man he is wrong?  Is that going to make him like you?  Why not let him save his face?  He didn’t ask for your opinion.  He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? (Pgs. 115,116)

 

 Though it was wrong for Mr. Gammond to agree with an error and even though Dale Carnegie was right, what could he have gained by winning? Nothing of importance and Mr. Gammond knew that.  His need to be right would have embarrassed the man in front of other guests, the man would have been humiliated, felt foolish the rest of the evening and what would always remain fresh in his mind would not be the correct information, but that Dale rebuked him in the presence of others by exposing his ignorance and making him fell small.

When we are "right", if the motive is not to bring out the best in others, then it can be for all intents and purposes be "wrong" This does not mean we co-sign with a clear error or lie, but how we present  the truth can make a difference in how it is perceived and received. I have a dear friend who is truly a man of few words. In group conversations, he quietly listened and would every so often share something that made us think and consider and sometimes his humble suggestion brought "correction".

To appear well informed, I am sad to say I have made the mistake of being more motivated to be right than to share out of humility and sincereity. I have learned to use the phrases I shared with Ty more often, especially if it is not the right time or place to discuss it further or the person is not open to  what I have to say. I have come to realize that I  gain nothing by making the other person feel foolish even if I am "right".

Table Setting Tuesday: White House Table Setting

 Official Dinner for Australian Prime Minister John Howard and his wife Janette Howard 

May 16, 2006

Clinton State Service, ivory with a gold trim, was commissioned to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the White House.

The Candelabra was made by Paul Storr, one of the foremost silversmiths of the Regency period, once belonged to the Dukes of Hamilton. Gifted to the White House in l963. The set of  eight, l898-l899, Providence, Rhode Island, made by Gorham Mfg. Co. The United States government purchased these candelabra during the administration of President William McKinley. President McKinley used these candelabra for a gala dinner in September l899 for Admiral George Dewey, hero of the Spanish-American War.

The floral arrangements are  hot pink hydrangeas, variegated pink and white floribunda roses and blush-colored lisianthus. Pistachio-colored silk dupioni tablecloths cover each table.

From the White House Archives official website

For Crying out Loud

 

 

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post

Chinese New Year Etiquette

The Lunar New Year holiday is celebrated by many Asian cultures.  It is usually celebrated over a minimum three-day period to about fifteen days surrounding the first full moon of the year. Festivities begin the day before the full moon, the day of the full moon, and the day following the full moon.

The following are some of the practices that the Chinese community  in particular observe in preparation for the arrival of the new year:

1.      Settle  all debts before the new year. The goal of settling ones debts is to begin the New Year with a clean slate  and to have sufficient funds available to provide all that will be needed to ensure a joyus celebration  will be had by all.
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2.      A thorough house cleaning. This is done before the new year to make sure that you do not sweep away any good luck.

3.      Use special paper greetings, flowers, and fruits to decorate your home.  Greeting cards and good luck symbols are tied on a blooming tree along with an abundance of fragrant flowers and fruits.  It is believed the more abundant the tree is with these  beautiful items, the more good luck the family will experience in the New Year

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4.      New clothes for the New Year. This signified starting the new year off with a clean slate. ( the color red is considered a lucky color)

5.      Celebrating the new year is a family affair with plenty of food and drink. This time is used to heal and reconcile and strengthen relationships as we transition into the New Year. Make sure all your favorite dishes, plus a few traditional are in abundance. Running water during the first day in the New Year is frowned upon because doing so denies  the earth and water a day of rest.

6.      Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to all! Everyone becomes a year older with the New Year, no matter when your birthday is celebrated . Give children red “Lai See” envelopes with “good luck” money inside. This tradition is also used for many other festive occasions, in lieu of modern gift-giving practices. (Instructions for Lai See Etiquette are listed below)

7.      Honor Your Ancestors. Have photos of family members and loved ones on display that have passed away.  It is unfortunate they cannot be there in person with you, so honor them by holding them in remembrance.

8.      Cook, Cook, Cook, And Cook some more!  As your favorite places may be closed on New Years Day, because others in the Asian community are also celebrating, make sure you have plenty of food to last three days!

9.      Visit family, friends and build new friendships. The first day in the New Year is spent with your immediate family, the second day is often spent with good friends and special guests.  Modern traditions dictate that the third day be spent celebrating  with teachers and business associates.This is also a great opportunity to create new friendships and start the new year off together.

10.  Pay significant attention to your actions. Recognize  the first acts you perform in the New Year. Displays of anger, lying, raising your voice, indecent language and breaking anything during the first three days of the New Year is forbidden, especially the first day.

Hopefully these tips will help you celebrate with your friends in the Asian community and enjoy the wonderful traditions that accompany them.

新年快樂

Happy New Year!

Lai See Etiquette (From Geo Expat.com)

During Chinese New Year, and stretching into the following week, you may notice a flurry of red envelopes being exchanged almost everywhere you go. These fancy little red envelopes, called "lai see", are packets that contain good luck money. Giving lai see to people is a big part of Chinese New Year celebrations, so you don't want to miss out on giving (or receiving!) them in the following couple of weeks.

But giving lai see is not like handing out candy to children on Halloween (unless you're one of those grumps who don't like giving treats to the kids without costumes). There's a set of rules you have to abide by when giving out lai see.

Locals give out lai see like it's second nature to them, but in fact, there are different amounts distinguished for different people and people with different marital statuses and also people with different job positions. Starting to feel a little weary about this whole business? You'll get the hang of it once you understand proper lai see etiquette.

Lai see is bestowed from "big to small", "old to young", and "senior to junior". For example, if you are the boss or manager, you should give lai see to your employees. If you live in an apartment complex with its own management staff, you should give lai see to your security guard, cleaners, and doorman. Married couples also give to their single, younger relatives, and may give two lai see packets to each recipient (one from each spouse). If you are unmarried, you will usually only need to give one packet to each recipient.

You don't have to give lai see to everyone you know, but keep in mind that there is a chance you may forget somebody. People usually bring a pile of red envelopes with them whenever they go out, just in case they might bump into someone accidentally (and since this is Hong Kong, you probably w ill). It's best to keep a mixture of $10, $20, $50, and $100 envelopes on you to be ready at all times.The amount you put in the lai see is up to you, Use this handy guide to avoid any lai see faux-pas! Don’t forget to give and receive with both hands as this is regarded as a sign of courtesy. Also, never let children give out lai sees to older folk or service staff – this is considered insulting.

Who?	How Much?
Security guard / door man / building management team / cleaning staff	$20 - $50 per person, more if you’re in a smaller building with a single guard/cleaner
Helper / driver	$100 (for part-time helpers) - $500
Staff (if you’re the boss)	$50 - $500
Colleagues and friends	$20 - $100
Waitress or waiter/ barista / anyone who serves you regularly	$20 - $50
Hairdresser, manicurist, massage therapist, etc.	$50 - $100

My Apologies for the 7 month Absence

My sincerest apologies for the long absence. Due to illness and a personal emergency, I have not been able to submit regular blog posts. I have returned with new posts and information to share. Thank you for your patience.

-Demita

Manners Monday: A.R.K- Act of Real Kindness

On a flight from Detroit to Los Angeles, actress Amy Adams quietly gave her first-class seat to an American serviceman who had been booked in coach.

Jemele Hill , co-host of ESPN2's Numbers Never Lie tweeted about Ms. Adams act of kindness with quickly went viral.

"I just thought it was incredibly classy and thoughtful," Hill said. "I already was a fan of hers, but now I'm a bigger one after today,"

And so am I, Kudos to you Amy for making one solider's ride to his destination a more comfortable one.