Profiles In Manners and Public Displays of Social Graces

Some may be surprised at my selection of Marylin Monroe, but I chose her because despite the drama that surrounded her and her unpredictable behavior, she  at times demonstrated the art of gratitude. One gentleman she was working with on a movie she had been keeping late to assist her to the annoyance of his wife. She sent a dozen roses to his wife with a card apologizing for keeping him late but also thanking her for letting her borrow him to complete the project. When her needs infringed on the priorities of others, I have read the accounts of those who worked with her that  she at times expressed gratitude in different ways from flowers, to gifts, to thank you notes.

Below is a thank you note she sent  expressing her gratitude for a bottle of Champagne.

One does not always have to have a perfect life to display moments of good social graces, in fact, our imperfections can at times endear us to people more as Marilyn at times demonstrated.

******ANNOUNCEMENT******* MANNERS COURSE IN ONTARIO, CA STARTING Feb 5th 2012

Miss Edna's colleague, Maura Graber has a class starting Sunday Feb 5th, 2012. Click on "Upcoming Classes" above for more information

For Crying Out Loud

“I always tell my kids, you don’t have to be the best at sports, the smartest, the best at math, but you do have to have the best manners,”

Kelly Rippa

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012

The British Press vs Downton Abbey and Two Etiquette Sleuths; Historians or Hysterians?

 Maura Graber and I are fans of the British T.V. program Downton Abbey and we have discovered several complaints of  historical inaccuracies being posted on line about the show. We decided to investigate the concerns and collaborated to create this post in response to the "Hysterians" that seek to poison the well of others enjoyment of the show. Enjoy and we welcome your comments.

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As a fan of the first season of the critically acclaimed and popular Downton Abbey, I shared my DVD copy with fellow etiquette enthusiast, guest blogger and consultant, Demita Usher. She enjoyed it as thoroughly as I, and we have been waiting for the second season of the show to be broadcast in the U.S. As fans of the show, we have a few words for those making criticism in the British press.

Imagine our surprise upon seeing the following headline in The Daily Telegraph; Downton Abbey: historical inaccuracies and mistakes plaguing ITV show or this one in the U.K. Daily Mail; Downton shoots itself in the foot as gun enthusiast gives both barrels over historical inaccuracies

Historians, (or could they possibly be hysterians?), make numerous assertions regarding the historical accuracy of the series. One article quotes "historian and broadcaster, A.N. Wilson", as saying, "... the portrayal of country house life was sanitised fantasy."  Whereas Julian Fellowes, Oscar-winning creator of Downton Abbey, strongly defended the show's script by saying that he believes the "the programme is pretty accurate". Adding, "The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge."  Indeed!

Now, we are not trying to be posh, nor do we want to show "how smart we are", we simply would like to defend Julian Fellowes, by providing a bit of historical perspective. As for those who are offering their comments and criticisms to the press regarding the authenticity of the clothing for a local hunt, the road sign, aerial attached to a house, etc... we won't quibble with you on those points.  We will simply discuss the criticism of cultural terminology and popular common phrases in use during the Edwardian period.

Hysterian Assertion #1- The word "boyfriend" was not used during this time.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following: Official report of debates Council of Europe. Parliamentary Assembly, Council of Europe, page 470 (1895): "... from yesterday's edition of The Times of London which states, 'A woman who joined a company run by fundamentalist Christians was required to sign an undertaking that she would not live with her boyfriend."

From Wenderholme: A story of Lancashire and Yorkshire By Philip Gilbert Hamerton, Page 301, (1876): "This cheered Edith's heart considerably, but still there was a certain moisture in her eyes as she bade farewell to her boyfriend."

From The life and remains of Douglas Jerrold By Blanchard Jerrold, Douglas William Jerrold Page 331 (1859): "My early boyfriend, Laman Blanchard, and Kenny Meadows, a dear friend too, whose names have become musical in the world's ear, were of that society — of that knot of wise and jocund men ..."

Hysterian Assertion #2- The Phrase "get shafted" was not used until the 1960's.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Debates: official report, Volume 2, Canada House of Commons (1888): "I do not know what assurance can be given that people can be guaranteed that they do not get shafted, to the favour of some other group."

Hysterian Assertion #3- Footman Thomas Barrow, played by Rob James-Collier, used the words "get knotted" in the October 9 episode

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in: The Westminster Review, Volume 124, Page 402 (1885): In foreign affairs, when they get knotted, a Special Commissioner is appointed to report upon the situation, and to advise as to means of unravelling the tangled skein of affairs.

Hysterian Assertion #4- Head housemaid Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) told John Bates (Brendan Coyle) in last week's drama set in 1917 "So everything in the garden is rosy?"

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Fraser's magazine, Volume 19 By Thomas Carlyle, page 606 (1879): He looked so rosy, so cheerful, so placid, such a picture of rewarded philosophy and virtue, surely he must be the happiest of mortals.

From: Vanity Fair: A novel without a hero, By William Makepeace Thackeray, Page 95, (1845): The honest Irish maid-servant, delighted with the change, asked leave to kiss the face that had grown all of a sudden so rosy.

From: The complete works of William Shakespeare By William Shakespeare, Johnson: Page 556, (1863): Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd, And pray'd me, oft, forbearance: did it with A pudenc-y so rosy, the sweet view on't Might vvelghave warm'd old Saturn; that I thought er As chaste as unsunn'd snow :—O, all the devils! (And Shakespeare actually wrote this over 200 years earlier!)

 

Hysterian Assertion #5- "... some viewers have baulked at the use of the word "boyfriend", as well as the concept of a "professional woman", which is used to describe a maid who wants to leave domestic service to become a secretary." We find the latter half of that statement most amusing, as there are so many, many references to the term "professional women" in newspapers and in books from the 1800s. Too many to choose from, so we picked the cream of the crop, and they are as follows...

Historian Actuality We will gladly cite all of them for any readers asking, but we feel that the article in an 1898 New York Times, referencing the spirited ongoing debate in the pages of U.K.'s The Daily Telegraph, titled "Should Wives Work?  Opinions of English Men & Women-What an American Woman Thinks About It" quite plainly spells it out, especially in the sixth paragraph in Part 1 posted here.  It quotes a British reader's comment in The Daily Telegraph, "Several professional women, talking sensibly of the subject, say that their business life will make them more careful in the choice of a husband ..."

Or then there is the article from New Zealand's The Auckland Star newspaper from 1899.  One of the paragraphs in a story by a London correspondent on the recent happenings at The International Women's Congress, London July 14 is actually titled "The Professional Woman".

So it makes us wonder what exactly qualifies contributors to be called "historians".  Demita Usher and I wouldn't dare refer to ourselves as "historians".  There is so much we do not know.  However, we are "history enthusiasts" and we certainly loved Downton Abbey here across the pond.  It is with great anticipation that we wait to watch the second season of the program, and in the meantime, comments made by your historians, or "hysterians" if you will, have kept us entertained while we wait.

But don't fret Great Britain, as I also stumbled onto this headline; Kate Middleton Named 2011's Best-Mannered Person, Kim Kardashian Slammed as "Most Ill-Mannered" Kudos to Kate!

Role Models: Example or Excuse?

Girl At the Mirror  by Norman Rockwell

The term role model generally means any "person who serves as an example, whose behaviour is emulated by others".

The term first appeared in Robert K. Merton's socialization research of medical students. Merton hypothesized that individuals compare themselves with reference groups of people who occupy the social role to which the individual aspires.

-From Wikepedia

"I ain't no role model." - A famous rap artist

"She literally has millions of young people following her. I thought and still do think, that it would be very responsible of her to be a part of this film, To have the young people that look up to her, see her in a film that is about, what happens in life when you make the wrong choices. Whether you're aware of it or not, to be honest with you I wasn't, millions of young people adore her and are following her every move."

 - A famous directors written defense to cast a reality show star in his movie after her questionable public behavior.

According to the book "Our Glorious Century 1940-1950", among the people  young teenagers considered to be  their role models in the 1940's were Abraham Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt.  Today reality show stars and other entertainers who emulate behavior that is at times self-destructive towards themselves and others are the images that children are following in the footsteps of  I am sad to say.

 It seems to me that alot of famous people in this day and time seem to despise the implication that their behavior when it is negative carries great influence on the people (especially young children)  that follow them. They state that their private lives are their own, they don't want to be branded with the responsibility of being a role model, but they want the perks of being one because after all , who else would buy the music, buy the books, watch their reality shows, go see their movies, and buy the products they are  promoting except those that they heavily influence?


 While I do not let these people off the hook, I present the question, how much power do we sign over to people we are facinated by with our support even if the behavior is poor? Do we co-sign with this famous directors decision to cast a woman whose claim to fame was a sex tape because she has millions of followers on Twitter? A fire only grows when you feed it.  The reason these type of  role models seem to be more popular these days is because we create the demand for them  and in like our children imitate our choices. We tune in to watch women pull each others hair, call each other terrible names, we watch young adults get intoxicated, get into fights and throw up,  then we act "surprised" when our children imitate what they see and post it on You Tube! Are we creating a demand for more positive images for our children to look up to besides us or do we consider those people "weird" as we continue to enjoy watching people self-destruct before our very eyes?


 100 years ago people understood that even the "appearance" of questionable behavior could have far reaching effects and people guarded their reputations very carefully. This is not to say that poor behavior did not exist, but people saw such behavior as something  to be ashamed and not to be repeated or imitated. They clearly understood that if they wanted to keep their private lives private, they had to avoid behavior that could go "public".  We have a responsibility to how we behave  and carry ourselves whether we like it or not, whether we are famous or not because each of us somewhere and in some way is a role model to someone. 

For Crying Out Loud

To be a successful hostess, when guests arrive say, At last! and when they leave say, So soon!

~Anonymous